Letter an admission of infidelity

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This article was published 04/01/2017 (3559 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was away for Christmas and got a dirty little present in my mailbox when I returned. It was an anonymous note from “A Friend” telling me my boyfriend was seeing someone different while I was away. I think the woman who wrote it in big lacy Victorian-type hand-writing on flowery paper is the person he used to go out with before he dumped her for me. She was into Victorian-era clothes and stuff.

I think, although I hate hearing it from her, that he probably did cheat on me with her. Before he and I were seeing each other we were friends. He was often angry with her and would say, “The only thing she’s good at is lots of you-know-what.” He needs it once every day, or twice a day. I worried I was taking a chance being away from him for a whole week to go visit my family.

What should I do now? I don’t want her to have him, but he’s very demanding on me sexually and emotionally, or any woman he’s with. If I accuse him of anything, he will act all wounded, cry and carry on big time. Last time we broke up he sent flowers and wrote an erotic poem and all that crap. What should I do about him? — Upset and Furious, Osborne Village

Dear Upset and Furious: You need to dump him at some point soon, so Miss Victorian has unwittingly given you a gift. This demanding baby of a man thinks he deserves a 365-day a year sexual service, which means he’ll be cheating with one woman or another when you’re away, indisposed for monthly reasons or pregnant.

You can easily do better than this.

So, blow the situation up by confronting him. Show him the note and ask if it’s her writing, looking directly at his face the whole time. Listen for that tell-tale moment he stutters, not sure what to say next.

Also call her and ask if she wants him back, because she’s welcome to him. Neither one of them will be expecting this reaction and if you hold that line, you will be free to find a secure grown-up guy to love. What are you doing staying with him, anyway?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was heartbroken when my mother and father split in November. Christmas was awkward and they both looked so sad and lonely. I asked my dad again if there was any chance he and mom would get back together and he said in a determined voice, “Not a chance!” A few days later I asked my mom the same question and she said something worse: “Not in this lifetime!”

I don’t know what happened but I think it would help if I did know. They aren’t offering an explanation, except saying they grew apart. How can I find out the secret? — Tortured By Confusion, Corydon

Dear Tortured By Confusion: Ask each parent to separately attend one session with you and a counsellor. Tell them the truth — you’re messed up by their separation and need to get things settled down. Don’t tell your folks your one burning question is the whole point of the session. When you get there and have talked a few minutes about how tortured you are feeling, the counsellor will help you to get those feelings out. Don’t be cool. Let yourself cry, if you need to. Then ask point blank: “Why did you split up? I need to know from your point of view.”

You may or may not get the answer. This is your best and safest chance of finding out. Maybe it’s something more shocking than you should know. Are you prepared to hear one or both of your parents has met someone else? Cheated? Gambled away all the money? Gotten violent? Felt bored? And be prepared for how you’re going to handle the information. Remaining behind after the session might be best if things don’t go well and you need some help processing everything. Hurting, angry parents often don’t realize it’s your breakup too.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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