Some family secrets better kept hidden

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This article was published 12/05/2018 (3030 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just found out a secret I don’t know what to do with. I come from a big family that just got smaller — in my brain. While at the cabin, I eavesdropped on a late-night conversation between my two older sisters and found out my much younger brother was born as the result of an affair by my mother.

Now, what do I do with this information? Well, at least I finally know why he looks different from us now. Shouldn’t my brother know who his real father is? He’s a young adult now. Should I talk to my sisters or just pretend I never heard? Why didn’t they tell me before? What would happen if my brother was told?

I am closer to him than those two girls. Please help, I’m going crazy.

— Hate Knowing This, West End

Dear Hate Knowing: Your brother might know already, or he might not. It’s not your business to tell him and possibly upset his life, and badly. It could cost him a lot of pain. He might feel like an outsider in the family. Remember, you said “this family just got smaller” in your mind. You are ALL your mother’s children, so it didn’t get any smaller.

Your brother might start to disrespect (even hate) your mother for the affair. It might be a terrible embarrassment and heartache for him, and your father, if he doesn’t know yet. The only people you could talk to about this, are those sisters you heard talking. Since you are dying of curiosity, you could talk to one or both privately and ask questions. Tell them they were talking so loud you woke up and now you know the family secret.

If it’s to be kept from your brother now, or forever, then you will become part of the secret-keeping. It’s popular these days — particularly because of soap operas — that every last family secret needs to be revealed. Not true. Some secrets are like bombs going off.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a guy and I’ve faked my orgasms for the last two years. I don’t know how to stop. I just pretend it happens and then the whole thing can be over. It doesn’t help that my wife is always giving me instructions to bring her to ecstasy.

She never seems mad when it’s “over” for me. She may even be relieved. This morning, I had a thought: what if she’s been faking it too? Our marriage is in the dumps and we have no kids. I just feel like walking. Should I stay and bring up the orgasm topic or would that just be asking for trouble, for something I really don’t want anymore? We are both in our late 20s.

— Miserable Husband, Fort Rouge

Dear Miserable: Two years ago, were things fine and dandy? You missed out a whole section about what has been going wrong since then. It’s always worthwhile to take marriage counselling if a couple started out really loving each other, and then somehow slid into the ditch.

Try two or three counselling sessions. It’s not just about the faked sex. It’s about not wanting to be close because there’s so much trouble between you that you’re not talking about. No wonder there’s no climax when you feel so turned off in general.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I come from a slapping family. Everybody slaps everybody else, except my father who just roars. My mother says he’s not allowed to slap anyone, because he’d break a bone. So, all us kids get mad once in awhile and slap each other — on the back or the arm, but never across the face. That’s another rule.

One of my friends saw a slapping happen at my house and she went home and told her mom who called my mom, and there was trouble. The other mother threatened to report my mother to Child and Family Services. My mother only slapped this sister of mine because she’d been slapping everybody else that day, and for no good reason. Too bad that’s the slap that the visiting kid saw. We are NOT being abused in our family! How can I help?

— Just Slapping, Not Abuse

Dear Just Slapping: Since this has gotten to the adult level, your mom needs to handle it. You can protest all you like that it’s not a big deal, but other, more modern families will see it another way. Two generations ago there was a lot of family hitting and smacking and spankings and worse. That’s pretty much over in most families. Your family needs to stop now and start talking things out, before somebody gets into legal trouble — like your parents. That means all of you kids need to stop this slapping style of settling fights right now.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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