Love declarations send man running

Opinion

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This article was published 15/05/2018 (2709 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I can’t seem to make it past the three-year mark with women. I have broken up with three women I thought I was in love with and dated monogamously. Just when a person would have thought we’d be ready for the altar, I backed off. After about two years, I notice their expectations going up and my libido going down. I suddenly see all their faults in living colour, and I’m annoyed with myself for being so picky and negative.

When they start saying they love me outside of the bedroom scene, I start getting antsy. I expect the heavens to open up and celestial music to start playing, but it has never happened for me. I may love the girl as an intimate friend and love having sex with her, but I don’t picture us at an altar pledging our lives together, with children and mortgages.

I’m 32 and this should be happening for me now, but I’m always slipping the chain and running down the road before the next year is finished. This is a pattern of three separate women now who thought we were on our way to permanence and I was the one who backed off. What the heck is wrong with me?

— Marriage Phobe? St. James

Dear Phobe: Slipping the chain, like a runaway dog from the master? Lots to meditate on with that image. Do you think a wife would keep you captive — or feeling like one — and be the boss lady you need to escape?

The best thing anybody having problems can do before they get married is get their heads examined. That sounds like a joke, but I mean it seriously. Three long-ish relationships that went flat at the same time and in the same way are worthy of examination. Make an appointment with a psychologist and talk through the “hang-ups” you’ve acquired over the years.

Picture yourself hung up on the branch of a tree by the back of your pants over a beautiful river. Everyone else is sailing down the river of life and love, committed to a loving partner, having kids and new adventures. But you’re hung up on a tree labelled “Dating-Love-Loss of Interest,” going nowhere.

You may be subconsciously picking women who aren’t going to work out in the long run, or there may be parental role problems from your upbringing or a fear of child-raising and responsibility. A good counsellor could get you talking and thinking and resolving issues that are getting in your way. Once you get your head in gear, your heart can follow. If you don’t want to be stuck anymore, get help. Your work insurance may even pay for it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in love with my boyfriend’s best friend. I’m ashamed to say this, but I’ve stuck with this boyfriend just to be near the guy I secretly call Dream Man. He’s still dating someone, so we double date. I flirt with him shamelessly but he doesn’t seem to notice. What should I do?

— Faking It To Be Near, Fort Garry

Dear Faking It: If he’s not responding in any way whatsoever, your boyfriend’s buddy is not interested in you. You need to break up with the poor guy who’s receiving your fake loving attention, and get out of that group.

But keep your ear to the ground. If Dream Man breaks up with his girlfriend, you can make a move then, but don’t expect too much. If a guy’s attracted — even if he’s attached to someone else — his eyes will twinkle when you flirt with him, although you may not get anything else back.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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