Accidentally hitting her breast leads to even bigger problems

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 10/05/2018 (3070 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a horrible woman at a bar by accidently bumping into her breast. My elbow came back swiftly as I was making a gesture and the point of my elbow slammed into her breast when she was standing behind me. She screamed at me and held her breast, then yelled at the bartender (who, luckily, happened to be a casual friend of mine) to call security or the police.

He asked her what happened, and he gave me a chance to explain and apologize. With his help, and a couple free drinks for her and her friends, we all got past the incident. Or so I thought! When I went to walk out of the club, a bouncer grabbed me and told me if I ever pulled anything like that again they would call the cops. I suggested he talk to the bartender at the front and get the real story.

Now I feel worried about going to that club again, which my friends and I are regulars at. What can I do to reinstate myself there as a good guy with staff?

— Wrongfully Blamed, Downtown

Dear Wrongfully Blamed: Phone your friend and ask if he could talk to the bouncer who accosted you and any other bouncer this woman may have talked to. Yes, it hurts to get elbowed in the breast, but it was an accident, and people in the know — you, the bartender and the lady — should let it go now. (To me, it sounds like she hoofed it over to the bouncers to tell her story when she wasn’t getting enough punitive action out of that bartender.)

Once you have all those bases covered by the bartender, still watch out for the barracuda when you go there. She won’t have forgotten you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The letter from Abused Caregiver really hit home. (A man wrote in about his elderly mother and how selfish and nasty she is to him as a caregiver.)

I’ve been going through something very similar for the past two years with my mother. As I tried to understand her behaviour, I ended up reading about parents with narcissistic personalities, and a lot of stuff made sense. An article in Psychology Today called the Narcissistic Mother by Mark Banschick was very helpful.

Abused’s mother is manipulative, and puts her needs before those of her child, which are characteristics of this disorder. Whatever Abused does is never going to be enough, and she will always find another reason to be displeased with him. Realizing this can be painful, as we all want our parents’ love and approval, but once you know that you are always going to get a certain amount of disapproval from your mother, it actually makes it easier to draw the line against her demands.

The way out of the trap is to set reasonable limits and not get pressured into complying with unreasonable demands. If she is afraid of dying at night, a Lifeline alarm system is a reasonable option. In any case, Abused should try to make time for friends, and not let his mother’s needs isolate him.

— Validated, Manitoba

Dear Validated: Thanks for writing in to help the man who is being treated so badly. Obviously, you have suffered a lot of the same abuses as he is experiencing. The article you suggested is excellent. You’ll note Psychology Today has since printed several more articles worth reading about elderly narcissistic mothers and on lessening the abuse they can mete out.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography