Winning old love will take time and work

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This article was published 19/05/2018 (3014 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I worked my tail off to get enough education to win back the love of my life after losing her back in 2011. We broke up because she was working her own beautiful tail off to graduate university and start her medical career. I just wanted to party, and I slid off into drugs and various stupid behaviours. That’s now over.

She married somebody else, but he was boring and, as she put it, “not me.” She and I were so close at one time! Well, she came back on the singles scene after that guy lost her and this time I’m ready. I have a great science career, a few years of experience and am making good money now. I made sure I ran into her, with a little help from a friend.

I asked her if I could take her home and she said, “No, you’ll have to ask me out for dinner properly.” The next day I phoned her up and it was a great night; beautiful restaurant, big coin. We even made love that night. But then, when I called her again, she was acting strangely. Even though we’d had the best time ever that night, she said she didn’t think it would work. I asked her why and she said, “Because you cut off part of my heart once and I am afraid of you. I don’t trust you to be a grown-up man.”

Lord, what else do I have to do? I went to school, grew up, buckled down and got a career, and she says that? I just don’t know what to say or do now.

— Feel Stabbed, North Kildonan

Dear Stabbed: When you seriously break trust with someone that you love deeply — whether it’s a lover or a spouse or a family member — it hurts worse than any other loss. The trust takes a long time to come back.

Try and see if you can be her friend, for now. Let the trust build up without big romance, and postpone the sex that rocks her world. You were doing fine until you got her into bed and made your way right into the middle of her. You touched her emotions deeply enough it stimulated old, unhealed wounds.

If you still want her 100 per cent, there’s a chance, but there’s lots more work ahead. You’ll need to back up and be non-threatening, helpful and be “there for her” for things that are not necessarily fun or sexy. She needs to see the mature side of you and know you didn’t just go to school as a way to get her attention, but because you wanted to mature and gain a career — with or without her.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went on a first date with one of a pair of twins and she was just great. Naturally, I was curious to meet her sister and wangled a quick introduction. I was disappointed, though, because they’re fraternal twins and her sister didn’t look like her very much. I guess I was kind of hoping, you know, there’d be this sister who’d also be attracted and curious about me.

— Twin Problem, Brandon

Dear Twin Problem: I’m from a family where I have beautiful twin nieces. I can tell you this is the kind of creepy thinking that twins can’t stand. You were either thinking of a threesome with you entertaining the twins together or having them both grooving on you, and competing for your attention. If that’s what you’re into, back off and leave both twins alone. Don’t tell your new romantic interest you were having creepy threesome thoughts about her and her sister. Just do everyone a favour, make an excuse, and get off her radar for good.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My old mother has something going on with a neighbour down the street. I came over a couple of times unannounced and guess who was having breakfast with my mom? He looked like he knew his way around the kitchen the way he just got up, grabbed a tea towel and helped her do the dishes and then picked up the newspaper after a while and was reading interesting bits to her. I don’t think I like this guy. I won’t even let myself think he could be sleeping over there. Yecch. I’d like to see him gone.

— Only Son, North End

Dear Only Son: How would you like your mom scheming to get you and your partner apart because she didn’t like competing with her for your attention? You’re jealous of this guy who likes your mom, keeps her good company and is being more friendly to you than you are to him. Are you willing to spend that much time with your old mom and keep her interested in life and having fun? No. You are younger and have your own life. Stop speculating about your mother’s love life and sex life (you went there first, pal) and worry about your own.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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