Speak to lover about gift mix-up with ex-partner

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 05/07/2018 (2746 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I feel nauseated and short of breath after I got a shock last night. My girlfriend accidentally sent me a video of her exchanging a Christmas gift last December with her part-time spouse.

It seemed quite warm and loving, and the gift she gave him was expensive. She describes their non-sexual relationship as more like brother/sister, yet they see each other daily and have sleepovers, sometimes in the same bed.

I was very upset and sick when I saw it. Please help. — Feeling Awful, Downtown

Dear Feeling Awful: Marriages come in many colours, shapes and sizes, and some loving marriages no longer include sex; the couple is bored of sex with each other and don’t care about it. They still love each other, though.

That really leaves you on the outside — the novelty sex provider — and the real emotional tie is still with the spouse. That’s only OK if you’re just in it for the sex.

Go with your gut. See if your stomach settles down, or if it still feels like something is dreadfully wrong.

If you the need to talk it out with someone before a confrontation, consider a professional like a psychologist or a relationship counsellor with whom you can arrange emergency appointments, not a friend or relative who has only their own knowledge and limited personal experience to offer.

Then speak to your lover, and listen to the excuses for the slip-up with a new perspective.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts:  In reply to “Squirrelly,” I think I would have said something else. You suggested the retired woman going nuts at home with her husband 24-7 revive their group social life, or go back to work half-time. 

We cannot hope to enjoy the same society we have in Canada today without legions of volunteers. I would have told Squirrelly that unless she absolutely needs the money, she should put her talents and skill set to use volunteering. 

The volunteer positions that are going begging are as varied as you could imagine. Check out gardening, art, children, the elderly, music, animals — whatever you can think of, there is a need for volunteers.

Check the newspaper for volunteer openings. Your time is valuable to someone, even if you don’t want to “waste” it at home. — Just Saying, Charleswood

Dear Just Saying: Some people need the validation of “real work” for money, especially those who felt underpaid and under-appreciated in their previous work life. Others were very well paid and can’t imagine working for no money.

Working for nothing just feels like a bad deal to some people, even if they have enough money to satisfy their needs.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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