Clued-out dad deserves an apology

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This article was published 14/11/2018 (2880 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I fought my husband over refusing to let my daughter date until she was 16. He thought he won, but we fooled him.

Nobody dates anymore, anyway! Our daughter started “hanging out” with girls and guys, all introduced to my husband as friends, at 13 and 14 years of age. They came here to play pool in the rec room. I knew it was more than that when my daughter brought home her now-boyfriend, but I didn’t tell my husband. He was so clued out, he couldn’t see what was going on right before his own eyes.

He expected old-fashioned “dates” to be happening when a guy came to the door to pick up his 16-year-old daughter.

This last week, she turned 16 and my husband announced she was free to date now that she was more mature, and he’d be “interested to meet her boyfriends.” Ha! She just laughed to herself and I pretended I didn’t get the joke.

Tonight, she came up from the basement with her boyfriend of two years and said, “Dad, this is my boyfriend and we’re going out to see a movie.” My husband almost swallowed his tongue. “This is your boyfriend?” he said. “I thought you two were just buddies!” My daughter and her guy almost laughed out loud.

When they left, my husband asked me if I knew and I said I had guessed early on that they were a couple. Then he grumbled about them being down in the basement rec room where there’s also a bedroom. I told him they deeply cared about each other.

Then he announced: “I’m going to have a tough talk with her about being dishonest with her father and unsafe. She could get pregnant!”

I said, “Don’t even go there. She and I talked when they got serious and she’s on the pill.” Now he’s sulking and mad at me and thinks everyone was in collusion, plotting against him. How can I explain that he made it that way by being old-fashioned, rigid and unrealistic?

— Shaking My Head, Winnipeg

Dear Shaking Head: Let dear old Dad calm down. Men know how ­predatory some guys can be. You need to teach him about this guy your daughter cares so much about. Have the boyfriend over for some board games after a Sunday dinner, so Dad can get to know the guy.

In the end, he’ll realize he missed two years of worrying and that this guy really cares for your daughter. Dad may finally take a deep breath and welcome the guy into the circle. And, you have to admit, you fooled your husband. You should apologize for deceiving him. Emphasize the “worry time” you went through on your own over these young lovers.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m gay, happy and in a relationship. My partner wants to bring another guy into the mix and I said, “Absolutely not!” To be clear, we’ve had an open relationship for most of the time we’ve been together and I’m not the jealous type, but this is different. He’s talking about bringing in a third party not just for sex (which I’m not a fan of doing anyway), but as a possible third committed partner. I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want this to be a pattern with us either.

I know he loves me and I wanted to propose to him at some point, but now I’m thinking twice about it. He doesn’t even have a guy in mind, he’s just throwing the idea out there as a possibility and it really threw me for a loop. Did I misjudge his loyalty to me? I should also add that I’m a good 15 years older.

— Out to Pasture? Winnipeg

Dear Out to Pasture: Something doesn’t smell right. I think it’s likely he does have a guy in mind, and if you had said yes, he would have been happy to trot out the new (probably younger) guy. Even though you have an open relationship (casual sex with others), it’s likely he has found a special guy who has become much more important to him than he’s letting on. Don’t waste your time on a proposal and a ring. That won’t bind him to you. This guy is not serious enough; he seems devious. And if it’s true he has no one else in mind, he’s insensitive to trifle with your emotions. Rethink your allegiance to him.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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