Bed bandit makes for sleepless nights

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This article was published 13/11/2018 (2878 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m having trouble with a “bed bandit.” He steals the covers by kicking his legs out and then swooping them off of me. I can’t believe he’s actually asleep when he does that, but he swears he is. He also pops one of our four pillows between his legs “for hip balance.”

We only started sleeping together when he finally moved in. Before that, we each went home after being in bed together. I tried to have a talk with him about starting doing that again, and he got all hurt.

He desperately wants us to live together, and I don’t know what to suggest. I can’t live without sleep.

— Bed Bandit’s Lover

Dear Lover: Two double- or queen-sized beds shoved together is the most practical option, unless feelings are hurt by the crack between them. If the two-bed idea makes all-night cuddling difficult, and that’s an issue for you lovers, the second option is one king-sized bed with two comforters to roll up in and pillows piled on either side — plus a body pillow for him to put between his legs.

In either case, your bedroom, unless it’s very big, becomes an adult playpen — not a bad thing.

If people make cracks about your huge bed, just wink at them and say, “Try it, you’ll like it!”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My live-in boyfriend is as skinny as a rake. He eats a lot, but works hard physically and has a high metabolism. I feed him and he eats like a horse. It really bugs me when people say to him: “Is she starving you? Ha ha.” No, she’s not. And he cooks for himself, too.

The other day, I lost it when my fat aunt made one of those comments. I looked at her and said, “If you did as much work as this man does, you’d be skinny, too!” She got red in the face — not a good sign when you’re that fat — and huffed out of the living room into the kitchen. I caught her there 10 minutes later stuffing her face with fancy foods off the party trays. We exchanged a nasty look.

Now my mother is mad at me because Aunty says she’s not talking to me anymore, because I’m so rude. My mom wants me to apologize, but I’m not the one who was rude first.

Why was it all right for my fat aunt to make comments about my man’s skinny body? Should I actually apologize?

— Not Fair, Weston

Dear Not Fair: Since your mom has appointed herself the intermediary, tell her you’ll apologize if the one who started the problem agrees to apologize as well. If not, you’re willing to get let it go, as if it didn’t happen, and be friendly, but no apologies.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My neighbour has failed to rake her yard again this year — and the snow has come and gone twice. I’ve had it! She is the only one on the block who doesn’t rake her leaves, and they blow back right onto my yard.

When I approached her about this, she said I was the one making a mistake because “Mother Nature has decreed” that fallen leaves turn into mulch and that’s a good thing. I couldn’t think of anything to say to that old hippie so I muttered, “Eat it!”’ She said, “I heard that!” and flounced up her walk.

My husband says we shouldn’t be at war with our neighbour over a pile of leaves. What should I do?

— Not Raking Her Leaves Again, Fort Garry

Dear Not Raking: Who ya gonna call — the Leaf Busters? Look, spend a few bucks and take care of this problem that bothers only you. Buy a cheap wire leaf-catching fence and poke it into the ground in the early fall when the ground isn’t frozen yet. Then her leaves won’t blow over.

So what if it costs some money and it changes your yard? You can do whatever works to end this quarrel, or allow your blood pressure to rise every time you look at your neighbour’s place.

Why give away your peace of mind and your health, if you can fix the problem?

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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