Lazy lover flunking foreplay test with new wife

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 27/11/2018 (2867 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife is so cold, she reminds me of a snowbank — if you get my drift. Ha ha! I make little jokes like that to her all the time, but she doesn’t laugh. Why? Because she knows it’s true. It’s been months and months since she wanted to make me happy in bed, and we got married a year ago. She says, as a married man, I have flunked the foreplay test multiple times, and that’s why I never get anywhere anymore.

We’re a young, married couple — both 25. We already sealed the wedding deal and I’d like nothing more than to have kids with her. So why do we have to make a big deal over foreplay when we’re sleeping in the same bed and we know what we want in the end — orgasms and maybe a baby.

— Why Waste Time? Windsor Park

Dear Why Waste Time: You may know what you want, but your wife wants her whole system to be as turned on as yours, before you have intercourse. It’s only fair.

Statistics say only one-third of women can achieve orgasm through intercourse alone, and that’s all you’re offering. No wonder she doesn’t find you exciting as a husband, and is terribly turned off by your insulting jokes.

You are at fault here for being lazy and insensitive to your wife.

Want to change your ways and win her back? For great lessons on foreplay, check out the online suggestions at health.com/sex/best-foreplay-for-women where eight women share what turns them on.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a big guy, and I ate my parents out of house and home when I was a teenager. Then I moved out and got a job, deciding I could do better and have more fun with a gap year or two before going to university.

I rented a house from my uncle with one other guy so we’d each have our own bedrooms and some privacy for fun and games — and we did have a good time at first — but we only had enough money to eat until the end of the month. So, we set up another guy in the basement and split everything three ways, but it still wasn’t enough. So now we have him and his girlfriend in the basement, and there’s only one bathroom. Also, there’s too much sex noise made by this couple — and we still have no money left by the end of the month.

I told my dad I wanted to move back home and was ready to go to university now. He said it was too late, that they had spoiled me and I was out for good. “There’s still tuition money in the bank to help, but you have to keep living out,” he said. “We like you much better as a man.”

I walked back to the car feeling good, and then I felt rotten again, knowing I’d be eating Kraft Dinner until payday. How can I convince my folks I need to move back home?

— Starvin’ Like Marvin, West End

Dear Starvin’: They’ve had enough, so forget moving home. Sometimes, it backfires when you move out and then kiss up and tell your parents they were right.

They’re having such a good time, they don’t want the freeloader back.

You have a job or two, and may have to start taking courses online. I know a couple of friends whose kids completed degrees online and now have great careers. You can do that, too. Your parents have already saved tuition for you.

Some people say a person’s age is 18 plus the number of years they have lived away from home.

You’re 19 now, going on 20, not 19 turning 17!

Got problems in your personal life? Email Miss Lonelyhearts at lovecoach@hotmail.com.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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