Couple needs to share driver’s seat

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 26/11/2018 (2524 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m having a big fight with my girlfriend over who gets to drive the car. She has been single for years (she’s 30) and always drives a hot-looking, fast car. Mine is new and serviceable, and I also own a truck. She insists we take her car and that she drives! That bugs me. What’s wrong with picking her up in my car when I want to drive? How about on weekends we take my truck? She says no. I think she just wants to be the boss. She wants to determine which route we take and where we go. I know this is kind of silly, but I feel like less of a man when I am always her passenger. Please help.

— Always Riding Shotgun, Transcona

Dear Shotgun: Start flipping coins and end this feuding. You’ll win a good portion of them. Take turns with who does the flipping, so there’s less chance of her cheating.

Look, couples in which both parties are dominant can be fine together if they approach life like a team and don’t try to sort out who the “boss” is. The two of you are running your world together.

Some double-dominant couples take turns, so you run things some days and she takes over on others. It can work just fine, particularly if you end up having kids and there are cars going in two directions. Suggest these ideas to her and see how she feels. If she’s still totally determined to run everything all the time, then you have a problem, and maybe you aren’t meant to be together for life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am over 70, still working part-time and have come to some form of crossroads.

Essentially, my life is pretty good, and relatively healthy. But I find myself dwelling on mistakes of the past, and what I would have or should have done, but didn’t. Now I’m feeling pretty rough and inadequate compared to people around me, especially my family who live out of town. I do sincerely care, but the excitement that other grandparents show to their grandchildren is not there for me. My relationship at home is OK. We cope, but it’s been platonic for over 10 years. The caring is there, but deep love isn’t.

I work in the public sphere, so when I have time off, I avoid crowds. I don’t like travelling. I know that this is a form of depression, but I am having a real rough time shaking it off. I am looking for suggestions. You may refer me to a counsellor. If so, I don’t want to talk to a youngster. That wouldn’t sit well with me. I’m open to suggestions.

— Getting Old and Crotchety, Winnipeg

Dear Old and Crotchety: There’s lots of hope for you, and you probably don’t need counselling yet. You’re already recognizing your depression and actively looking for a way out of it. The first move? Stop isolating yourself during your leisure hours. The clear door out of your depression is new people and new activities.

Get out of the house after work, with or without your wife. She may not want to leave home, or she may be delighted to accompany you to groups and club activities because that’s what you need — people and fun. Do a Google search for seniors centres in Winnipeg and pick three that are closest to you. See what they have to offer, or better yet, go for a visit.

As for your kids, reconnect with regular phone calls and report on the fun things you have started doing. Talk to your grandchildren as well and find out what they are interested in. Buy them gifts that show you care about where they are in their lives right now. Visit them regularly and share in fun activities. Don’t just sit around waiting for them to come to come to visit you and drink tea.

Join a bridge club for lessons, or competition if you already play. Start dancing or playing pickleball. Buy some updated clothes and eyewear. Lift weights at a gym. Join another couple and take your wife out to a movie. Go to a concert. There’s no end of fun things you could do.

The seniors centres will have sports and other activities, but don’t think you have to join older people for everything. If your wife doesn’t want to go to something, call a friend or relative or go on your own. See if she doesn’t get curious enough to join you after a bit. Soon she’ll be asking to accompany you when she hears you’re getting popular.

As for sex, you may not be into intercourse, but how about putting on some music and giving each other a back massage and more? There’s no harm in being sensual.

Got problems in your personal life? Email Miss Lonelyhearts at lovecoach@hotmail.com.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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