Submissive girlfriend needs an intervention

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This article was published 14/04/2019 (2722 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My friend is repeating all the same mistakes. She’s with a guy (again) who is controlling, not mean, but very “in charge” of her life. Her first boyfriend was a bore and bossy. He wouldn’t let her drink with us, smoke anything or stay out late. He was always glued to their couch, watching sports, and rarely came out to do anything himself.

After breaking up with that guy, she was back to her old self, laughing and coming out to have fun. She regretted ignoring us for him. Just a few months later, she’s dating a new guy, spending every single minute with him and asking permission to come out with us. We had a mini-intervention with her and she actually let him go!

Once again, she was back to enjoying her life and friends. So guess what? We invite her over for a girls’ night, and she says she has to ask her boyfriend first. She showed up with him for pre-outing drinks at my place and asked him if she could go out. When he said yes, she looked up at him adoringly and bragged about what a good little girlfriend she was for him. What is wrong with her?

— Worried About Submissive Friend, River Heights

Dear Worrying: This woman needs another intervention. She’s acting like a wuss, and her new boyfriend is gaining more power every day. She’s also losing respect, although he’s smart enough not to say that. It sounds like she’s trying to look like her idea of what a wife would be in a marriage.

If she wanted to safeguard her independence and had plans for life beyond catching a man, she wouldn’t be so scared to displease him. Sadly, for the people around her, this is a role she seems to enjoy playing. You should try one more time, as her friends, to teach her that a lot of men admire a woman with a backbone. If that doesn’t work, drop it. It’s her life. If she’s looking for a man to dominate her, she’s just going to keep on trying.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I work in a restaurant as a line cook and I’ve noticed people sneaking alcohol in the back. I use the word “sneaking” loosely, as it seems like everyone does it and it’s not a big deal. I love food and cooking, and one day I want to become a great chef. But I don’t want to be pulled into the addiction that so many people in the industry have.

I want these people to trust me, but it seems like they want me to drink with them while we’re at work. If I refuse all the time, I’m scared they’ll think I’m a loser.

I also worry if I don’t refuse all the time, I’ll be an alcoholic in my 40s, wishing I’d chosen a different career. Any ideas?

— Chef-in-the-Making, Winnipeg

Dear Chef: Is it your plan to move from restaurant to restaurant as you work your way up to becoming a chef with diverse experience? Not every kitchen is loose enough to have this drinking happening.

You might be best to keep quiet now, as it’s the beginning of your career. But keep your eyes open for a step up at a new place. Your goal should be to work with a number of different chefs who can teach you what you need to know.

You might want to invent a reason why you can’t drink. For example, you could say you don’t digest it well and will end up in the bathroom. It’s mutually beneficial for you not to be in the bathroom when they need you putting out dinners in the kitchen. Don’t make the mistake of being unsociable. Go to the bar with them afterwards and drink ginger ale or a sparkling water. You can be friendly and fun without drinking. Just don’t preach to your co-workers. That would be a mistake.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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