Counsellor’s feelings more than professional

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This article was published 20/04/2019 (2722 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m embarrassed to say I’m a counsellor who is falling in love with a client. I am 100 per cent professional and would never let him find out, so long as we still have a professional relationship. I’m dragging my feet at suggesting a new counsellor as I’d miss our weekly meetings so much. I long for the moment this person walks in the door and I can help him work through some of his issues and sadness.

I suppose my greatest fear is doing the right thing — referring him to someone else. My other fear is confessing my feelings, creeping him out and never seeing him again. Is it worth hiding my feelings just to maintain the routine so I can see this person? Or should I take the risk?

I understand my responsibilities as a professional, but the heart wants what the heart wants, does it not? Please help.

— Never Anticipated This, Winnipeg

Dear Never: Telling this person, who trusts you to know all his deepest secrets, that you’re falling in love could feel like betrayal and abuse. The heart may want what it wants, just like a two-year-old, but your adult brain must stay in control. This person, just like someone else’s husband, is a person you cannot have in this lifetime.

In fact, whether you like it or not, you need to refer this client to someone else ASAP. Don’t confess your feelings, as it will come across as creepy.

You can acknowledge your feelings to your own counsellor, but make a firm decision not to act on them. That is how professionalism works in an industry meant to help others.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I think I’m in trouble. My husband of almost 30 years has started gambling. He’s played poker for a long time and it never meant anything, but things changed two years ago when he took an attractive buyout at work and retired early.

Since he’s retired, he’s become less motivated to do almost anything. I didn’t bat an eye at first. Then I started noticing he wasn’t paying our bills on time and he’d be gone for hours on end. Someone told me they always see him at the casino. I asked my husband how his money was — something we’ve always trusted each other about — and he got angry and defensive.

I never do any of the banking, but we have joint accounts and I started digging around. I am devastated. I should have paid more attention. I even found new credit cards in his wallet when he was asleep. He’s never home anymore during the day and most evenings and I dread to think about how much money he is probably spending. Should I leave him? I have my own job.

— Sailor on Sinking Ship, Winnipeg

Dear Sailor: Do you still love this man? Right now you are so angry with him you may feel like you hate him, but be careful as that feeling may be transient.

Leaving him right now is not the answer, but insist on getting the entire money mess out on the table. You need to be an active participant and haul him to the accountant. Let him know you are very close to the end of your rope and this needs to be fixed.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m having my husband’s family over for Easter dinner (mine lives in Toronto) and my husband’s grandma is a not-so-secret drinker. At Christmas, she made sure there was enough of her favourite whisky in the house by bringing a mickey in her purse. She got so feisty from the booze, she picked a fight with my husband. It was all he could do not to throw her right out the front door.

She’s too old to quit the booze. With all of her medical problems, I’d give her three to five years anyway. I don’t want to stop inviting my man’s grandma to dinners, but we can’t have her blasted and picking fights with other people. Got any ideas?

—Boozing Grandma Problems, St. James

Dear Problems: Grandma can be tricked. Have your husband check her handbag for liquor and swipe it. Then, get him to hand her a watered-down drink with a whisky base in a big glass. As he hands out drinks to everybody coming in the door, she will feel like she should join in the fun.

If you’re having wine at the table, grandma secretly gets the non-alcoholic variety. Also, appoint one of your family to keep her fed from the minute she walks in the door with appetizers. You want lots of food and very little alcohol in her tummy.

If she resists these changes, it’s time for your husband to pull her into another room and let her know kindly, but firmly, that if she gets drunk, she goes home.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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