Hysterectomy no reason to avoid sexual intimacy

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 19/07/2018 (3000 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m writing in response to Chastity Belt, the woman who’s afraid of being intimate with her husband after her hysterectomy. You referred her to the HysterSisters website, so she can read and take part in discussions with other post-operation women.

If you have an understanding partner, it can go a long way to easing your anxiety. You can still be romantic, cuddle and do things together. Love and marriage means a lot more than just sex. And it’s in times of difficulty when the true meaning of “for better or worse” comes to light.

My husband had the patience of a saint and was there for me. He asked me how I was feeling and what he could do for me. I believe this experience brought out a new dimension to our relationship. We had lemons and made lemonade.

— Still Loving After 36 Years, Manitoba

Dear Lemonade: Your experience was a good one, but there was a love and passion there that you wanted to keep alive. Some women use a hysterectomy as an excuse to end sex they haven’t been enjoying. Please read the letter below.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife had a hysterectomy two years ago and is still using that as an excuse not to have sex. She never really liked it, although she used to fake it to keep the marriage safe.

We had a big fight yesterday and she said I’m too old to need “that stuff” at 55. Man, is she wrong. We talked to her doctor at the one-year mark and it came out that the hysterectomy had nothing to do with the change in our sex life. She just didn’t want me “poking around in there.”

I never want sex with her again — but I still long for sex, intimacy and love. I’m still alive, sexual, considered attractive and have a great career. What do you think of a man like me — with no option at home — either taking a mistress and maintaining a friendship-based marriage or leaving my wife?

I love her as the mother of my children and as a lifelong friend. She would force herself to have sex with me if she thought I was going to leave her.

— Untouched and Unhappy, Tuxedo

Dear Untouched: “To have and to hold… until death do us part” is a part of the marriage vows for many people. In your marriage there isn’t much sexual “holding” going on and you are hurting and lonely. “In sickness and in health” certainly excused your wife from sex while she was recovering from her hysterectomy, but she’s used that excuse well past its expiry date.

You might propose this be a problem you solve together. Some women — though not very many — will say “I don’t care if you see other women as long as I don’t know about it.” Others will say, “Cheat on me and this marriage is over!” Yet others may say, “I respect that you are my friend and the father of my children, but I haven’t been feeling this marriage thing with you for a long time. Maybe it’s time to part.” She may be tired of you, too.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography