Pregnant teen daughter needs unconditional love

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/07/2018 (2997 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Three weeks ago our whole world blew apart. My daughter announced she was pregnant and she was going to marry the father who is a no-good older man of 32 — 14 years older than her. She is not the first woman he has made pregnant; he lives in the next town so we know his record. Last night my husband went to see him and they had a man-to-man talk. My husband offered him good money to leave our daughter alone and told him we will take care of her. He threw the money back in my husband’s face. He says he loves her, and she loves him.

While her dad was over there talking to the boyfriend, she was at home packing. The boyfriend came to see her immediately after the standoff with her father and carried her suitcases out to the car. My husband went to the bar to drown his sorrows while I watched alone, crying as our daughter drove away.

We are not putting on a wedding for those two to get married and she says she doesn’t care. I don’t want to lose her or our grandchild though. It’s not like she won’t have money. He makes lots of money. We just pray he shares it with her and doesn’t beat her up. Now what?

— Heartsick Mom, Southern Manitoba

Dear Heartsick Mom: Back off for a month. You don’t have to remain silent, but keep your distance. After a few weeks, start phoning her again and make small talk. In between chitchat about the weather and family news, tell her you love her and that she is always welcome to come back home. Plant that idea deep into her head so she knows if things go sour with this guy, she has a place to go.

If he is violent or is not giving her enough money to live, she will know she can come home. That’s unconditional love — exactly what is needed when your young daughter is pregnant by a scoundrel.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just read the letter from Middle-Aged Guy whose female neighbour slapped his face when he was a little boy of eight and left handprints. He had stolen three cookies. His mom marched over, called her a name and slapped her face right back. He never understood how his non-violent mom could do that. Miss L said “you have to be a mother” to understand the rage when someone assaults your child. That story brought back memories.

My parents offered their help to a woman who truly used them. Of course, they couldn’t see it as they always looked for the positive side of people. I was a teenager then and even I could see it. My brother was 10 years younger. Time went on and they continued their assistance, but the day finally came when this woman’s true self was revealed. My parents were working in the woman’s backyard when my four-year-old brother asked to use her bathroom. On his way out he saw some cookies on the table. The window was open, so my parents could hear the conversation inside. My brother asked, “Could I please have a cookie?” My mother heard the woman say, “No!” Well, that was the end of their help and they never spoke again.

Like you said, you have to be a mother!

— I Get It, Winnipeg

Dear Get It: When families are close, they might fight amongst themselves, but they usually close ranks when someone hurts one of their own — and then watch out! My older son was not a fighter, but when someone went after his younger brother in high school, he quickly found the guy, yelled at him and threw him down on the ground. When his younger brother ended up in the principal’s office over the incident, the principal listened to the whole story and said he’d just “forget” it ever happened.

I had a chance to thank that principal recently —13 years later — and he just smiled. Not his first rodeo.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My brother says terrible things to me, and my parents won’t believe me. He is their golden boy. He says I make things up because I’m jealous. I don’t know how to prove to my parents that he’s the kind of guy he really is — headed for deep trouble. He acts like the perfect son when he’s around them. I’m not scared of him and I’m physically bigger and stronger. I just need my parents to know what they’re dealing with before he’s in big trouble elsewhere, because I know that’s where he’s headed. They will wish they’d listened to me. What can I do?

— Worried Brother, Winnipeg

Dear Worried: Cellphones are good for gathering evidence. Record your conversations with your brother on your phone so your parents can hear what he sounds like in private.

Quietly turn on your phone whenever you’re around him and record as much conversation as you can. They can’t ignore what they hear from his own mouth.

Please send your questions and comments to mscurf@shaw.ca or send your letters to Maureen Scurfield c/o The Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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