They danced all night, then he told the truth

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This article was published 06/09/2019 (2550 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a man at a well-known meat market-type of bar and we had a great time. He’s a fantastic dancer and we got along really well — lots of laughing and conversation between dances, with him leaving his arm around my waist.

At the end of the night, I fully expected we’d go for a drink or something more. We’d had some drinks at the bar, I was flying and so was he!

But when we were closing the place and he hadn’t said anything, I asked him if he wanted to continue the evening and he said surprisingly, “No, sorry, I’m sorry. I thought you knew. I’m gay and I’m going home to my guy.”

I said, “What? Then why were you here all night dancing and flirting with me — a woman?” He said his man doesn’t dance, but is fine if he goes to a bar and dances and has fun. He said he likes women but needs a man as a sexual partner, and he was sorry he misled me.

I was dumbfounded. He was big, didn’t look gay or act feminine and he flirted with me while we were dancing. I distinctly remember a kiss on the neck at one point. What’s a woman to do? Ask every guy she’s attracted to, if he’s straight, gay or bi? Isn’t it up to him to mention it?

— Feeling Duped, St. Vital

Dear Duped: It wasn’t fair of him to dance with you all night, but for all he knew, you had a wedding ring in your pocket. That happens a lot with both sexes these days, and guys get fooled, too.

You can’t take anything for granted in the bars, and you have to be much clearer, like asking, “So, are you single or have other impediments?” and saying it with a big grin. It’s a fair thing to ask when you’re dancing a long time together. And you could start by volunteering a little of your own information.

This man didn’t ask you out, so technically he didn’t mislead you, although there was that kiss on the neck. It would be helpful to hear from readers who have come across this situation in dance clubs. How do you handle it?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was closing up my three-season cabin early and a business owner I know from the nearest town asked if I might consider not closing it, and letting him use the cabin on weekends in the late fall and early spring — for a very generous price. He said he’d take care of it for me, and even drive by and check through the cold winter.

I live in Winnipeg — a long way from our cottage — and it would be nice to have someone around as there have been break-ins in recent years. I asked him why he needed a cottage when he lives near the lake, in his own house with his family, and he lowered his voice and confessed that he has a lady friend.

“Then it’s no!” I said, and he quickly backed away towards his car and said, “Sorry to have offended you. I thought you were the kind of man I could tell the truth to.” What the heck does that mean? And now, it’s going to be very awkward to do business in town with him. Please help.

— Awkward Situation, Winnipeg

Dear Awkward: Anything could have happened at your cabin, including the prelude to the breakup of a family, his wife coming to the cabin and the possibility of some kind violence erupting. Then there’s your feelings of guilt — sharing responsibility for providing a place for the affair to deepen and grow. Also, what would you tell your wife, and how would you like them using your bed? As for doing business with the man in his small town, you may have to, on occasion.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6. 

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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