Driven to distraction by hefty helping of hot dogs

Opinion

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This article was published 05/12/2015 (3574 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ate three hot dogs while I was driving and my girlfriend lectured me, saying that I could get in trouble for distracted driving. I said, “I’ll show you what real distracted driving is,” and at the next light, I leaned over and kissed her with half a hog dog in my mouth to pass to her.

She was disgusted and demanded to be dropped off at the next red light. Being the nice guy I am, I dropped her off and handed her bus money out of my console so she could get home safely with Transit Tom. Naturally, we are not talking this week and I’m not getting any action. I’m at my three-day limit for no sex. What should I do?

— Distracted All Right, Transcona

Dear Distracted: Flowers can sometimes work for small fights, so send your darling some flowers to her work (where everybody sees them) and apologize for being an idiot. Promise on the card, “No more distracted driving,” and mean it. As for the bus drop-off, she insisted on being let off, so don’t haul that up and start fighting all over again. In relationships, you have to know where all the holes in the road exist, and steer around them.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: We have old cordless phones in the house being used as weapons. Nobody would think of using their cellphones as head-bonkers, as they are too precious and might break, but my teenagers are always hitting each other on the heads with the cordless phones found in every room. They may think it’s funny, but there have been tears, too.

I regularly give them the lectures about concussions, but they just laugh. “Ya gotta hit harder than that, mom,” says my youngest. I finally said: “I’m going to hit you kids where it hurts and throw out these weapons,” and they just laughed. I did it that very day. They have been mocking me ever since, and trying to get them back. What do you think?

— Old Fashioned Mean Mother, Tuxedo

Dear Old Fashioned: It makes perfect sense: remove the weapons and decrease or eliminate the problem. It saves on stress and yelling time, and prevents damage to your kids’ noggins, which clearly have little sense in them yet. If they continue to mock you, counter with, “I have no problem with not making no sense to you people. Get back to me in 15 years when you have kids and we’ll talk about parenting skills and foolishness that can cause permanent damage.”

Don’t be ashamed to be a parent that teenagers mock. Just shake your head at them and do what’s right. You are the parent, and they are the young dunderheads you love and want to protect from themselves.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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