Christmas magic spoiled by religious mother

Opinion

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This article was published 14/12/2016 (3227 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend didn’t get Christmas presents when he was a kid because his super-religious mother was too poor. His mother blamed the lack of any gifts on religion, saying children like him were just greedy. Before she died two years ago, she confessed to me she shamed her son out of Christmas, rather than reaching out to some place such as the Christmas Cheer Board because she was too proud. So he suffered as a kid at Christmas and has always been troubled about the whole gift-giving thing. On her death bed, she let it all out to me, not him!

I told him what she had confessed and that there would no longer be any anti-present nonsense as long as he was with me. Last year, I showed him how my family celebrated. We went Christmas shopping, wrapped gifts together, went to a Christmas Eve church service with carolling, visited my mom, dad and friends and woke up in the morning to our gifts under the tree. He was delighted and excited at first, but at night when he went to bed he cried over his mother and his sad, empty Christmases of the past with her.

This year he said he didn’t feel like celebrating Christmas now that he’d done it once because it made him feel sick about his mother. I told him I refuse to let his mother’s way of life rule the way we live. I hauled him off to have fun again, but he is conflicted about the whole thing. He wouldn’t even help with the tree — nothing. It’s such a drag this year and I am getting angry. I love him, but I don’t want to live my life dealing with his psychological problems from his dishonest, departed mother. I don’t know where to go from here. Help me please. — Sad Elf, Winnipeg

Dear Sad Elf: This goes way deeper than Christmas differences. Everyone who enjoys love and companionship needs to tackle emotional problems that get in the way of a healthy relationship. They need to work on their hangups and polish off their rough edges to be the jewel they can be.

Your guy is angry and hurting about many things. 1) His mother used her religion to shame him and lie to him. 2) His mom told you the truth, but never came clean with him about the poverty and blaming him for being a greedy child wanting Christmas gifts. She owed him an apology and apologies really help healing. 3) Last year, he saw how things could be in a regular Christmas celebration and now he’s doubly angry about what he went though and has distanced himself from it.

Don’t give up on him yet, but do insist on his getting counselling for these angry and conflicted emotions toward his mom. If he refuses to get help with his issues, think hard about your future together. If you don’t want to spend a lifetime trying to figure him out and make up for his mother, then you have a decision to make. There are other important people to consider as well, such as your unborn children.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a woman who’s scared to walk down the back lane at night from my bus, but it is the shortest way, so I take it. Sometimes I come upon guys in bikes going through garbage and I tell myself there is nothing to be scared of, since it’s like they’re working. But then, I’m carrying a purse and a laptop, too. Do you think I’m in any danger? — Got the Creeps, West End

Dear Got the Creeps: Obey your spidey senses! Get out of those back lanes, especially at night. If you have to walk a little farther on a safer street, do it. Ask your bus driver for help if a guy is giving you the creeps on the bus and you’re afraid he’ll follow you off. Take care of you. Don’t court danger or trauma.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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