Son’s plan may be dumb, but don’t tell him

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This article was published 28/08/2017 (3270 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My teenage son who should be going into Grade 12 next month announced recently he was going to keep working at his job, save money and take a year off to go travelling in Australia with his best friend, who is already 18 and finished high school. I told him he would go over my dead body and I wasn’t going to help him finance this foolishness.

He said he didn’t need any money because he has $1,000 and can live in his friend’s basement.

That’s when I lost it. I yelled at him to go ahead and pack, and he did. He started throwing all this stuff in some garbage bags and boxes. Then his mother showed up. She asked what was going on and my son told her his version, and she started screaming at me. I didn’t back down and he left the house. His mother was crying and shooting hateful looks at me.

Now the kid is living three blocks over, my wife won’t talk to me and my life is hell, but he seems happy. He told his mother it’s the best move he ever made and he’s paying room and board. Frankly, he’s a pain in the butt to live with and I’m betting the situation in that basement won’t last long, whether he’s paying or not. Then what? — Rock and a Hard Place, Winnipeg

Dear Rock and a Hard Place: At least pretend to let him go for now. Trying to force him back into your house would be a disaster. Wish him well on his new adventure and see what happens this year. He might surprise you and grow up a lot. Your son has declared his independence and paying room and board at the other house is part of being independent, but that won’t leave much left over for the trip to Australia. (That $1,000 isn’t much at all. He can buy himself a one-way ticket to Australia and that’s about it.) On top of that, he’ll only have his Grade 11 and he’s awfully young to be travelling internationally.

If the trip doesn’t work out, he can always take his Grade 12. He might find by October, for instance, that he misses school, and try to enrol and keep working too. More power to him if he does!

Just try to be a cool dad and let it play out and don’t be miserable to him. Call your son and ask him over for dinners every week or two and cook extra, so he has a care package to take back to his basement digs. And, whatever you do, don’t lecture him. You don’t have to stop showing love for him over this. That would be unintelligent and hurtful to everybody.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m feeling so tragic because my best friend, who has always adored my big brother, got drunk at the lake and confessed her love for him. He told her in an ice-cold way that he wasn’t interested in kids her age. Now she’s so embarrassed she doesn’t want to come to my house. She says she can’t even look at me right now because I have the same blue eyes as he does.

So, now I don’t have a best friend because of my hot-looking brother with the mouth. At least he could have said it nicely instead of treating her like dirt. She’s 14 like me, and he’s 18 and tall. Big deal. He’s just a big jerk, that’s all. Anyway, he hurt her, and she was even red-eyed when I ran into her at the mall. How can I get my friend back? I love her as my BFF and I need her in my life. I hate my brother right now! — Feeling Horrible, West End

Dear Feeling Horrible: Your brother has hit the legal age of 18 and he’s technically an adult. She is way too young for him. He was blunt and cold, but he set her free. He’s not going to be her sweetheart now and probably never, so at least she won’t spend another year or more pining over him. Once she gets over her loss, she will start looking around with new eyes and hopefully at guys her own age. Then you’ll probably get her back.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was lying in bed with my girlfriend when she told me she wouldn’t come back if I didn’t clean up and do my laundry, that the pillowcases were particularly oily and disgusting. I told her it was only her who used that pillow, but she didn’t care: if I want to keep seeing more of her, I had to clean things up.

Then she rolled out of bed and got dressed and went home. I never hated anyone so much. I watched her walk out the door and then got up and watched her get in her truck and drive off. I said, “goodbye and good riddance” to no one in the room. And that was it, I thought.

This morning I finally went out to do the laundry and it still looked shabby, so I bought some expensive new sheets on the way home. I put them on the bed with the the matching comforter. I took a picture of it and posted it on Facebook. She messaged me: “Want me to come over?” and I wrote back, “No, I already got someone else for the inaugural ball and it ain’t you.” She said, “But I thought you loved me!” How can it have been love? Even though we both said the words to each other it was all over for me in an instant when she basically called me a disgusting pig and talked to me like she was my old mother. What is love, anyway? — Don’t Understand Love, Downtown

Dear Don’t Understand Love: The word “love” means next to nothing to some people in the dating world right now. Everybody says it in almost every relationship they have. It squeaks out at the big moment when they first have sex, and suddenly things appear to be at a whole new level, even though the aren’t. You have to get to know someone’s many layers right down to the bottom before you can truly say you love them. And people can be on their best behaviour for a long time — six months to a year or two, sometimes.

You might like them a lot, lust over them or be crazy about them, but that isn’t necessarily love. It takes time to really know a person and it helps to see them at their worst to see if that’s going to be a deal breaker.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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