Separation turns dad into man-cave hermit

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This article was published 16/04/2019 (2720 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My dad is obsessed with his car. Normally, and for many years, I didn’t care at all. The problem is, he and my mom split up. Now that she has moved out, he doesn’t do anything. I’m in my 30s and moved out long ago.

I can tell he’s super broken up about the impending divorce, but he won’t talk about it. He’s using up a ton of his saved vacation days to stay home and sit in the garage all day and night. There’s a sofa in there and some chairs for his buddies.

Dad has insulated and heated the garage, so he could stay in there all winter. How can I get him to talk to someone about his problem? — My Poor Dad, Westwood

Dear Poor: Since your dad is so broken up, it seems he doesn’t want the divorce. If he did, he would be partying it up with his buddies and enjoying his bachelor pad, instead of avoiding life in the garage. 

If you don’t already know, ask your mother what broke them up. Find out if there are other reasons he might be unhappy and if he really likes his work outside the home. Ask her how she’s feeling about the divorce and if there’s any chance she might want to reconcile.

It’s unusual for a man to take this many weeks off work and hole himself up in the garage.

Does your father’s job have anything to do with mechanics? If he is working at something totally divorced from his first love, which sounds like engines and the like, then maybe he’s going through a mid-life crisis and needs to be encouraged to follow his dreams.

It is difficult to have a healthy relationship with somebody else when you’re not happy within yourself.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in a long-term relationship with a woman (I am also a woman) and we are starting to fall apart as a couple.

She’s been a lot more distant in the past year and the sex has all but dried up. We might have sex once every three weeks to a month.

It feels like I am just roommates with this person I used to be so infatuated with. We’ve been together four years and lived together for three.

I honestly don’t want to go back to dating again, as that was stressful as hell for me and I’m not a spring chick anymore.

Some of my friends have suggested couples counselling. Does it really work, or is it a waste of time and money? — Lonely Within Relationship, St. Vital

Dear Lonely: It would be best if you could get counselling with a counsellor experienced with same-sex couples. Luckily, most counsellors are able to deal with couples no matter what the sex because their problems are so similar: boredom, loss of attraction, hidden resentments, disagreements over children and relatives, and lack of creativity in the bedroom.

Couples counselling is not a waste of time and money because nothing is left up in the air. You will never wonder if things might have worked if you’d just bothered to discuss them. The counsellor acts as a referee, so there’s fair fighting/discussion and suggests solutions to try.

I suggest spending some time finding a reputable couples counsellor and going into the appointment with an open mind. It’s easy to be critical of the other person, but take a look in the mirror and ask yourself how you’ve changed physically, mentally and emotionally over your time together.

Try your best. But if things don’t work out, then the relationship wasn’t meant to be. Not all relationships have the strength and interest to last a lifetime.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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