Slap a serious sign it’s time to break violent cycle

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This article was published 27/05/2021 (1900 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I slapped my husband’s face, and can’t take it back. I slapped it hard, like my mother used to slap me! Once my mother loosened a few of my teeth; I just left a red hand-print on his cheek.

I vowed I’d never be violent like Mom, but here I am. I’m so ashamed! I don’t know what to do. My husband is threatening to leave me, and he told me I need to get my head examined.

Do I? I love him so much! I slapped him because he drove home drunk down a highway and could have gotten himself killed.

— Terrified He’ll Leave, Fort Rouge

Dear Terrified: Your best bet at keeping your husband is to do as he suggests — see a psychologist, psychiatrist or marriage counsellor for some serious counselling and de-programming. You need to get your mother out of your head and out of your marriage. Nobody should stay in a violent marriage. Violence is serious; it’s assault, and even if you think you had a good reason, it’s not allowed — yes, even though he was drunk driving.

If your doctor refers you to a psychiatrist, the sessions will be covered by provincial health care, but it could be a long wait to get an appointment, and you may not have that much time with your husband threatening to leave.

You could call a psychologist yourself and make an appointment, likely online or by phone during the pandemic. You could ask your doctor for suggestions. You’ll have to pay for those sessions yourself, unless you have private insurance.

A marriage counsellor could help you two — possibly right away — but may not have the tools to deal with the damage your mother did. You can call and make your own appointments, as a couple or alone.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The 19-year-old male babysitter/tutor of the girl who wrote you (calling herself “Not a Baby”) should run!

Staying in a situation with a 13-year-old behaving like that is toxic at best. (She was flirting with him and now is jealous and angry because he brought his girlfriend around. I told her to back right off this man. — Miss L.)

All he needs is a “revenge” accusation of some sort and huge damage will be done. He will be marked for life no matter how innocent he is found. I’ve seen it happen to some very upstanding and kind men.

— Worried For Him, Gimli

Dear Worried: Your serious concern is understandable; I share it. It’d be best if this young man could just quit the job and work somewhere safer.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I feel cheated. I’m about to finish my first year in university and with everything happening online I feel like I missed out on the real experience. I know everyone is talking about things going back to normal sometime soon, but that doesn’t change the fact I was robbed of the classic first-year university experience — making real friends, meeting new people, dating and so forth.

My family isn’t close, and I feel very alone in my small apartment. How would you get the most of my current situation? This was supposed to be a transformative year for me.

— Digital Everything, Waverley West

Dear Digital Everything: Here’s a different reality for you to consider embracing. Consider next year your real “first year of university.” Think of this past year as a pre-university experience that’s putting you ahead by four or five courses.

Regret is such a useless emotion in this instance. There’s little you could have done differently, and no one is to blame. So don’t give this disappointment any more space in your head. The new attitude I recommend will be much better for your emotional health.

If you got through your courses and received decent marks this year, that’s enough. Put it behind you ASAP.

When COVID-19 is tamed, it might be good for you to rent a house or apartment with some roomies, or apply to get into one of the student residences as you’ve have had way too much isolation. Better luck next term!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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