Pull at threads of bed-wear impasse

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This article was published 03/09/2021 (1807 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My young husband is disappointed and annoyed that I stopped wearing sexy underwear a few months after we got married.

He doesn’t “dress up” to go to bed for me. His naked body is supposed to be enough, as always. Now, as a married woman, I feel the same way. 

Granted, I have drawers full of fancy stuff, but I just can’t be bothered. Last night he said, “I could understand it, if we had babies, but we don’t. Why can’t we keep up the fun and sexiness we used to have?” 

I said, “And what are you going to wear to contribute?” He just sighed and rolled over, like he was giving up. I don’t want him to give up on us, but why can’t he give like he wants to get? Not that I care about him dressing in anything, but fair is fair.

— Love my Jammies, East Kildonan

Dear Jammies: Your young husband clearly isn’t ready to play “Ma and Pa” in the bedroom, and it’s feeling that way to him. He wasn’t asking for much except for a return to the stimulation of the lingerie you used to wear for him — and you still have it in the bedroom.

Don’t let this be the day he remembers he tried, you coldly rejected his request, and his feelings of desire cooled for you!

In years of doing personal counselling with unhappy couples, one or both partners would often point to the day or night the romance took a real hit and an emotional door also started to close.

What are you missing these days from your man? Is there something he could do for you — not necessarily sexual — to make you feel hot for him again?

There’s a danger in belittling someone who has had the courage to speak up about what they are missing sexually. Your retort about what he could do to dress up for you was a logical parry, except unfair, as it seems you’re not really longing for him to dress up in anything to play with you.

If that’s not the case and you actually would get a kick out of him doing something experimental — like wearing a mysterious mask for sexy adventure — this would be the time for you to bring one home for him.

Should your sexual relationship start to heat up with a few props and lingerie, online or personal shopping at a sex shop would open doors, and give you lots of other choices.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My father came and went in my youth, working here and there, sometimes up North, and sending Mom money for us, when he could. Thank goodness she had her own job in our town. 

I think Dad was ashamed to show his face around here, because he was such a pathetic father. When he did come to visit, he didn’t know how to talk to us kids, and spent a lot of time sleeping off his hangover on the couch. My mother was always shushing us and telling us not to bother him. I noticed she always locked her bedroom at night when he was home.

I decided I’d never be the kind of father he was, so I watched TV dads and copied them, and I turned out to be a good dad and husband. Now my father is old and lives back in our town, and he wants attention from my poor mom and his grown kids.

I feel guilty when he calls, always whining, and then asking me to go get him a bottle of whiskey. I refuse to go, but I know my younger brother will do it. Should I stop taking his calls altogether?

— Feeling Guilty but Angry, rural Manitoba 

Dear Guilty but Angry: To keep upsetting feelings to a minimum, say: “Dad, you know I will never buy you liquor, but I’m OK to have a chat with you, when you call.” You know the chat will be quick, because he needs to call the next person on his liquor delivery list. Besides, there’s nothing much to say between you two, so that works out. Don’t feel you have to initiate calls with him after the way he ignored you all your life.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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