Help whiny pal shift regret into action

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 10/09/2021 (1800 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have this 30-year-old friend who is always talking about her regrets — the things she should have gone for, the boyfriend she should have married, the parents she should have told off. She has never left home!

On the “career” front, she regrets the lousy grades she got because she never studied enough. Then she regrets the career she could have had, if she hadn’t spent so much time working for her parents’ business. I’m so tired of listening to Ms. Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda!

Should I cut those conversations off and tell her I can’t stand to hear them anymore? When she starts into another regret story, I want to put my fingers in my ears and…

— Scream! West End

Dear Scream: What is regret good for? It’s the conscience telling you when you’ve done wrong or simply failed to act. Normally, people regret or feel sorry, resolve to do better, and hopefully implement new actions.

But regret is overrated when it turns into long-term penance for wrongdoing — or “not doing” in your friend’s case. Friends and relations get sick of hearing about regrets, and run away to avoid the whiner.

Do you make the mistake of trying to comfort this 30-year-old girl? Do you try to help her minimize her regret? Do you tell her it “wasn’t important anyway,” so not to worry? Does she sigh with relief and say, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Not doing anything wasn’t that big a deal.”

A new course to take with this friend is to grab a piece of paper and pen, and say: “Let’s write down some ideas, so you stop regretting and do something about it.”

If she resents your bossy “can-do” behaviour, tell her bluntly you can’t stand listening to her regrets going unaddressed, and this is what she can expect from you from now on.

She might stop calling you as much and find a different friend who’s OK just listening and sympathizing. That could be good for you because you’ve been wasting a lot of your own precious time listening to her negativity. So, why have you done that? Think about it!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I hate my marriage! The kids are in high school and I’ve been hanging on for 17 long years now, because my husband doesn’t keep a job very long, and the family depends on me.

He also drinks, and I know he has seen other women. How? Because he gave me a communicable “situation” recently that could only have been passed from another sex partner.

I was taught that you marry for life, but this feels like a life sentence. What should I do?

— Sick of my “Love” Life, Fort Rouge

Dear Sick: Life is too short to hang onto a cheating husband who could give you a serious disease — and who doesn’t do his share to support the family. He’s not a good role model for the kids, and your supporting him isn’t a good example to set for those teens.

“Till death do us part” can have such a mournful sound to it when you’re with a person who’s a drag on your family.

Here are some plans to start implementing: Stop having sex with this careless, cheating man and consider it a life-saving measure (plus an inducement for him to move out!). Try to find ways to make more money and get some savings together. If your teenagers don’t already have part-time jobs, help them fill out applications to find jobs in safe environments. Also, make sure all family members get vaccinated against COVID-19.

Then make your move for family independence and give yourself and your kids a second chance at living a happy life without this man under the same roof!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography