A little harsh honesty could silence gossip mill

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 16/09/2021 (1843 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts:  I had a relationship with the same guy in the second and third wave of the pandemic. When things opened up, and there was more freedom and people to choose from, I chose to be single again.

After I broke up with him, he said bitterly, “I suspected I wasn’t your first choice, but I was probably boring enough for you to feel safe!”

Now I hear through the grapevine he’s making jokes that I’ll be back when the fourth wave hits. Ha!

I admit I made a choice that was more sensible than emotional, to hang out with him, but I need to respond to him on the grapevine in a way that shuts him up. He’s throwing shade on me and it has to stop! — Need to Respond, East Kildonan

Dear Need to Respond: You don’t need to put anything out on the grapevine. People already know he’s feeling used and bitter.

If you feel you must do something, call him and tell him you heard what he’s been telling people. Add that you enjoyed spending time with him, but you weren’t in love and you hope he finds someone who suits him better for that kind of relationship.

Then wish him the best and say goodbye. He won’t like it, but the confrontation may stop his gossiping.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: A blast from the past showed up on my doorstep. I recognized him immediately, although he’d lost the beard and crazy hair.

I invited him in, wondering why I rated a visit after nine years. He captured my heart at 17 and then ran away from me, saying he “didn’t want to get married and have kids at 18.”

Who said I wanted to marry him and have his kids? I was just a young girl myself. I finally got over the heartbreak and I moved on with my life. I heard he’d moved to Ontario.

So now he’s back in Winnipeg, and had a fairly nice car outside, but he was asking to stay at my place for a few days while he got himself a place.

In my state of shock, I said I could give him the basement room of my house, but I “wasn’t offering anything else.” He sounded fine with that.

The very next day he was out job-hunting — and actually got one a few days later. He asked if he could stay on a while longer and surprised me by giving me half of my monthly mortgage payment. After his first paycheque he handed me a big bag of groceries.

This guy is not a bum. But I finally asked him when he was going back east and he smiled that sexy smile of his, and said, “Maybe never. I just came to check you out.” What? Now I don’t know what to think.

I can’t take another heartbreak, although my old feelings are re-awakening. I don’t know where to go from here. I haven’t slept with him, although he gives me the big-brown-eyes treatment before he goes downstairs. — Off Kilter, Fort Rouge

Dear Off Kilter: Without encouragement or any prompting, he told you at 18, he was not ready to get married and have kids. Obviously, you were inspiring those ideas in him, and he was scared to stay around you. But he didn’t forget you.

Now he’s back — one can only guess — because he may be ready for love, marriage and babies, and he remembers the deep feelings he had for you.

Giving you money for rent and groceries is an interesting thing to do — since he’s supposedly just staying in the basement for a few days or weeks while he gets himself established. Getting a job means he’s not going back to Ontario any time soon. He sounds interested, if not yet committed.

There’s nothing wrong with asking (before you sleep with this man) “Where do you see this relationship going?” Then listen carefully to his answer, without interrupting.

You might be surprised at what he’s thinking, now he’s a grown man. He came a long way to see you again, and he’s acting like he cares. You might want to give him a second chance, now you’ve both grown up.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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