High time playboy son vacates the nest

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This article was published 07/11/2021 (1743 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My son was born on a stormy day, but has a been a source of joy and peace to me most of his life. He’s in his mid-20s now. He’s got a room here, parks his clothes here, but often sleeps somewhere else — “at a friend’s house.”

He always seemed kind of innocent for his age to me, but then I found out through a friend of a friend, whose son knows him, that he always has at least two girlfriends going. Not long ago, one of his girlfriends split from her husband after he found out about my son. Whoa, dangerous! Finally, I questioned him, and he was furious at me for sticking my nose in his personal business.

He packed a bag — just one — leaving a lot behind. He drove away in a huff, and hasn’t been home to sleep in two weeks, though he has a key and picked up a couple suits for work. I don’t know how to resolve this, but I don’t appreciate this tacky situation!

— Worried and Annoyed Mother, Weston

Dear Worried and Annoyed: With two girlfriends or more on the go, you can be sure your son is not sleeping on a curb. He just doesn’t want to let go of a good thing — a warm, cheap (if not free) room for the nights he’s between girlfriends’ beds.

Romeo needs to find a new place to live. He’s having wild times now, and has a job to pay for his own housing. Your place should not be his safe house when a girlfriend (or her angry husband) is looking for him. Give him a motherly push out the door!

Pack up the rest of his bedroom, and park some new paint cans and drop sheets on the bed and floor. When he protests, tell him you’re re-decorating the room to use as a space for your own activities — yoga, sewing, painting, whatever — and do it!

He’ll know the real reason why. No need to fight about it. Just say a deceptively sweet, “Bye-bye and have fun, dear. Come over for dinner sometimes!”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband and I have been married for a few years and have one toddler together. I work full-time at a job with lots of responsibilities, and my husband is the stay-at-home dad. He hasn’t been pulling his weight with regard to taking care of the house and our child, and I’m really feeling the stress.

He acts as if staying at home is his own full-time job, and he’s “off duty” in the evenings when I get home from work, forcing me to do the cooking, cleaning and child-rearing that I feel he could be doing during the day. I’m tired and worn down.

To top it off, my husband has a pretty crummy attitude towards our situation, to say the least. He often belittles me, calling me stupid and lazy, and blames me for everything that’s going on in our house (laundry piling up, dinner not made). He even speaks this way in front of family and friends. I often ignore his name-calling and attitude, and just roll along and take care of my child.

We are definitely not equals in this relationship and I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure how to ask for some help — and for him to pull his weight and commit to his role that we have established.

— Any Advice? Winnipeg

Dear Advice: You both have full-time jobs, so you both need breaks, inside and outside the house. Your stay-at-home husband needs a break from your busy toddler after eight hours on duty. You also need a break from your day-job strain, but must see your toddler alone for some undivided love and attention after work, as that little child has missed you.

Right now, you and your husband feel like two work-horses tied together, and you’re both angry and resentful, thinking it’s the other one’s fault. So, consider some changes.

Some toddler clothing needs washing throughout the week, and Dad could do that, or you could hit a gently-used baby clothing store and buy more outfits cheaply. Then wash the whole family’s clothing on the weekend. Also, consider cooking batches of dinners. Sunday afternoons are sometimes used by working parents for making a half-dozen main dishes to use immediately, refrigerate and freeze.

If possible, a fully-vaccinated teenager in the neighbourhood could be a fun babysitter for your little one for a few hours after school some days and on Saturday nights, so you and your husband can go out on a date. You two need to get back into the world and have some fun as a couple.

As for your husband’s disrespectful behaviour — that calls for some serious marriage counselling, before your little family breaks apart from this ongoing discord and verbal abuse. You can’t change his behaviour yourself — that’s already been demonstrated — but a trained counsellor can more often be successful at working with angry partners to establish a happier relationship, with better behaviours on both sides.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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