An anti-nastiness strategy you can count on

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This article was published 25/08/2022 (1478 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m writing in regard to your answer to “Upset Daughter” who has a father who makes racist and rude comments in public. (I suggested leaving the scene more and more quickly when he starts up.—Miss L.)

My own dad was rude, mean, demanding and insensitive to my dear mom, who stayed by his cranky side until he died after a very unhappy life.

When I stopped by to visit, which was very difficult to say the least, I’d defend her when he made demeaning comments. This made him angry and meaner.

My solution? I used the “Three Strike” method. When he started verbally assaulting her, I mumbled “strike 1.” Shortly afterward, I found myself having to say “Strike 2!” It wasn’t long until I uttered, more loudly, “Strike 3! I’m out of here!” He followed me to the car, angry about my leaving. I told him why.

The next visit, after I had to say “Strike 1,” he changed his mean demeanour, and I never had to say “Strike 2” after that. Tough love, but it worked. Perhaps “Upset Daughter” could use the Three Strike method when her dad spouts offensive things, at home or in public. If it worked on my 85-year-old dad, it could work on him.

— Dealt with Dad, East Kildonan

Dear Dealt with Dad: Great technique! That could work well for a lot of people who need to take a difficult stand with a parent, grandparent or even friends you really don’t want to lose in the process of correcting their behaviour.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: You can’t drink on a public beach, so when I met some fun new people there, they were doing “party drugs” (pills) instead. I refused everything offered to me and I started getting the cold shoulder.

The one guy who seemed attracted to me messaged me as soon as I got home. I’d really like to see him again — he was very sexy and nice — but I don’t know what to do about the little drug issue. He was doing them, too. Yes, I know I sound like…

— Goodie Two Shoes, River Heights

Dear Goodie: This is not your crowd, but he is part of that crowd. Hanging out with his group means they will be offered to you again for free, and perhaps pushed a little harder.

Find a different guy who’s “sexy and nice” where there’s no complicating issue. You already know his friends didn’t appreciate getting “no” for an answer, the first time they met you. As his new girlfriend, you might end up feeling enough social pressure to try them out. Bad idea!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is for the letter-writer “Beaten Out By a Dog.” (I advised the affection-starved husband to button his lip about competition from his wife’s rescue dog, and just to tell her he loves her and wants her affection, too. —Miss L.)

My advice for the husband is to understand many people have “saviour” complexes, like his wife who saved a rescue dog. His wife is in full saviour mode with the dog, and feels needed. Hubby probably doesn’t need saving, so he’s not getting the attention.

People will go to great lengths to save animals. Hubby should share in this experience with her, and not demand his fair share.

— Understanding the Situation, southern Manitoba

Dear Understanding: This would definitely work better for all concerned, as the wife is not about to put the brakes on her rescue mission with a love-starved puppy. Still, she may have more love to give to her husband, if he says sweetly enough he wants it.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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