Shopping for sex not the best way to save your marriage

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This article was published 18/03/2017 (3490 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I hate to admit this, but I went shopping for sex at a bar and I got it. I’m a married woman whose husband won’t touch her — he hasn’t for six months. I’m a highly sexed woman, and before I met, fell in love and married my husband, I had more than one boyfriend at all times and never went with one guy for long.

I need a lot of satisfaction and I like variety. It looks like I gave up all of that by marrying this guy three years ago. And here’s the rest of it: I strongly suspect he’s getting sex somewhere else, but I’m too proud to follow him.

How could a highly sexed man suddenly not want sex at home in bed with his wife? I think he’s being true to someone else. Before I married him, he said his sexual code was one woman at a time. I think I stopped being that one woman to him.

I made another date to meet with this divorced man from the bar. I know this is a messed-up situation heading for the cliffs, but don’t know what else to do. — Sex Starved, River Heights

Dear Sex Starved: “What’s going on?” should be the next chapter in your story with your husband. You can have someone else track him, or you can just brace yourself and ask him if you’re no longer the one.

Tell him it’s not a marriage to you if he doesn’t want intimacy with you. Ask him outright who he’s seeing now and watch his face closely. If he says no one, then try another tactic.

Ask him if he’s deeply angry with you, or possibly ill? It’s sad to have to say this, but he may have strayed and contracted a sexual disease such as herpes or HIV. After six months of no sex, you have to find out.

If he won’t talk, suggest a relationship counsellor. It nothing gives there, and you can’t continue with him, see a lawyer and an accountant and look into setting yourself free.

Hitting bars for men to pick up is a bad idea, for many reasons, including the many dangers involved.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m crazy about my husband and never dreamed I would end up in this situation. An old love has come back to Canada and wandered back into my life. Although I shouldn’t want him, I’m burning for him.

Is it possible to love two men at the same time, and I mean in every way because that’s the position I find myself in? I don’t want to lose the man I married, as he is the father of my children.

I ran into my old flame at Polo Park and he and I just stared at each other. Then he held out his arms to me and I couldn’t help myself — I walked into his embrace. He hid me inside his coat like he used to do, and he smelled wonderful.

I’m ashamed to admit I’ve seen him since, though we haven’t had sex. I’m married to a wonderful man but the excitement wore off a long time ago. We’re comfortably sexual, but it’s like an old waltz that gets us both to orgasm. Can you help me? — In Love With Two Men, St. James

Dear In Love With Two Men: Part of the attraction of seeing your old love is the promise of what you could have immediately — and with great enthusiasm — if you gave in to your ex.

But why did you break up initially? Was it because he was moving to another country or did the breakup happen way before? Try to focus on the end of that relationship because that will do more to dampen your ardour than anything else. What tore it to shreds, or did you just get bored and drift away?

Try to look into the future and picture having an affair with him. Would it come to the same problems and end again? Would your children hate him? Would you end up poor compared to what you and your family have now? Is he worth it?

You can’t justify seeing and sleeping with both men because you are in love with both. That’s just greed and it causes hurt all around. It will rob both men and cause insecurity and pain in the end. Your family could split up and there’s no guarantee you’ll get the kids.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My 79-year-old husband is an old skunk; by that I mean, he has a lot of gas. I have begged him to go to the doctor about it, but he won’t.

I have lectured him about his diet and his health, but he just digs his heels in. I tracked his patterns to the point I know that eggs, veggies such as cabbage and cauliflower, and red meat are his biggest gas problems, but he loves all of these things.

I’m the only cook in the house and I shop for the groceries. He insists on eggs most mornings and egg sandwiches for lunch, and he loves beef. The veggies he doesn’t notice so so much. Help! — The Skunk’s Wife, Winnipeg

Dear Skunk’s Wife: Don’t lecture him, trick him. Distraction is the way to go when cooking for someone stubborn about what they eat.

Without telling him you’re restricting his egg and red-meat consumption, look for alternative breakfast foods and sandwiches he might like. A grilled-cheese sandwich with tomatoes and a little bacon might actually be a good breakfast surprise.

Roast a chicken and bake salmon. Don’t buy cabbage and cauliflower for a couple of weeks and cook other kinds of vegetables. Make hearty soups and sandwiches with lots of layers.

With all this food, your hubby probably won’t notice anything much, except the menu has expanded. You’ll have to give him a few eggs here and there, but not the double doses at breakfast and lunch he’s been having. Hope this clears the air! 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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