Daughter sleeping with mom’s boy toy

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 09/06/2017 (3387 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just found out my daughter has been secretly seeing my boy toy and I’m sick about it; not broken-hearted about him, but sick nevertheless.

The thing is, I wasn’t in love with him and I told him that. I have only been separated from my husband eight months. I only saw him at his place. I met him in a nightclub. He’s 25.

He claimed he was falling in love with me, and I have been pushing him away emotionally, but still seeing him for a little fun.

My daughter, who’s 18, was curious about my secret boyfriend when she accidentally found out. She was angry I hid him from her.

Then she found out who he was, his age, and where he lived, and made a point of running into him. He told her I didn’t care about him except to use him for sex. And then guess what happened? They both found a way to get even with me.

Now she has taken her clothes and moved out with her best friend, who admitted under questioning by me, that my daughter often stays at his place overnight.

Now I don’t know what to do. I haven’t heard from the guy in three weeks. I know why. I feel worse about losing my daughter than I do about losing him.

One comfort: she is hard to get along with and will soon fight with him, as she does with me and all her boyfriends. Meanwhile, what should I do? — Hurt, Embarrassed, Worried, North End

Dear Hurt, Embarrassed, Worried: What do the two of them want out of this? The young man wants revenge because you were just playing with him and didn’t take him seriously. Your daughter wants to vent her anger at you for hiding him, for the separation from her dad and the upsetting fact your boy toy is way younger than her father.

She wants to see you enraged, hurting, screaming and out of control, which is the way she feels inside a lot of the time. She may still have been hoping you and her father would get back together and be her parents, so she’s eliminated this young guy from the competition and thrown it in your face.

Sharing the same man between mother and daughter probably feels a bit like incest — the weirdness of it — for you. I think you should minimize that aspect.

Tell her best friend, your pipeline, that you were through with the guy anyway and he’s free to see whomever he wants. There is no tug of war.

Just give it enough time for her to start fighting with him. When he’s gone, invite her to join you in counselling, which you should start yourself right now. This family trauma is way beyond what most people could work out alone.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went fishing with my father and my brother, and me and my brother got into a fight in the boat and it almost capsized.

My dad headed for shore. We got on the dock and the fight got physical. My dad pushed us both up the steps and we went in the cabin and kept yelling.

Then my dad did the weirdest thing. He said, “I’m going back to the city. There’s lots of food here. Call me tomorrow or the next day when you idiots have worked out your problems, but not tonight. Frankly, I’m sick of both of you and I’m going home to be with your mother.” Then he drove off.

We are 15 and 17. My brother, who’s younger, went to his room and cried. I could hear it and it was awful.

I cooked dinner because I didn’t know what else to do. We ate in silence. Then we drank a lot of beer and talked for a long time.

The next day we phoned a friend with a car and paid his gas to come and get us. We didn’t want the ride home with either of our parents in a car.

I don’t think we’ll fight again. Do you think my father did the right thing leaving us, or was it dangerous and irresponsible?— Not Sure, River Heights

Dear Not Sure: It appears he did the right thing, although he couldn’t have known how it would turn out.

Although he was acting cool, as an adult myself, I can tell you he was very upset leaving you there. It turned out to be the best thing.

I’m sure your mom was upset too, but she stood by your dad’s decision and didn’t step in to soothe things.

It took the desperation to get home again to make you two finally talk. That may turn out to be the best talk of your lives.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6