Moving on sister would rip family apart

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This article was published 12/06/2017 (3353 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I fell in love with and married a woman, but unfortunately, this year I’ve fallen harder for her beautiful younger sister, who just broke up with her husband. We had become close over the past year, and she confided in me about her sham of a marriage to a guy who had decided to come out of the closet.

My wife wanted nothing to do with her younger sister’s heartache. I began to see my wife for the self-centred person she is — an emotional coward who doesn’t want to hear about a friend or family member’s pain, or even take in the news, which she shuts off. She recently told me she has decided she never wants kids, considering what a terrible world we live in.

I love the younger sister and she really wants children. She hasn’t said she feels the same way about me, although I know she loves me as family. I think she thinks of me as an older man, although I’m less than 10 years older. I haven’t told her of my true feelings yet. What do you think?

— Hidden Love, Rural Manitoba

Dear Hidden Love: You could blast this whole family apart. If you reveal your romantic feelings toward this younger woman, she may see you as a creep who got into her life by pretending to show sympathy for her plight. You could cause a terrible enmity between these two sisters who should always be able to trust each other around their partners. It is enough hardship now for this young woman, whose whole marriage feels like a betrayal. She will have a lot of healing to do.

You need to drift away now that she’s single, and you need to make your own authentic life — not faking it as a pretend husband to her sister. Since you are no longer in love with the older sister and want children, you really should be honest and get free of each other. Your best bet is is to look for a woman who is much like the younger sister, the type of woman you could love.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just found out my girlfriend has a secret love affair going on with a guy from her home country. She speaks two languages, and I don’t speak the one they share. I suspected something was going on, and she’s such a ding-dong she isn’t careful about hiding things.

I guess she thought she could play fast and loose in the other language, but I know how to use a computer and used a translation program to read what they were saying to each other. So now what? My best friend said to dump her. Not wanting to let go, my question is this: does it count if they never get together, can never touch each other? What do I say to her about my evidence obtained through snooping? There were even sexy photos.

— Head Full of Questions, Westwood

Dear Head Full of Questions: Yes, online affairs count. She’s not talking to a robot.

You know from this she doesn’t really love you, so what’s the point of wasting your time? It’s time to confess about the snooping and the results. Here’s a possible script to help you: “I felt something was going on, so I snooped. I feel lousy, but I can’t ignore I’ve discovered your online affair and know what you’re saying and doing with X because I used translation. I also saw some photos. Obviously, you’re not in love with me, so we’re finished. I feel sad, hurt, angry and betrayed. Don’t use my snooping to justify your betrayal.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: School is ending and I’m going away to university. I know it may seem exciting to other people but I’m about to lose my boyfriend, my family and my teacher, who has been my secret love for three years. In a sense, this move is the worst thing that could happen to me, when it’s supposed to be the best.

I have a summer job here in the city so I guess you could say the bad stuff doesn’t happen all at once. I lose my teacher, but I still have my boyfriend for a few more months. I feel teary when I think of losing my family and boyfriend in September. I can’t stay here because I can’t take the courses I need in Winnipeg. I got a reputable place to accept me and a room in residence there, but I’m so scared. Please help.

— Scaredy-Cat, Winnipeg

Dear Scaredy-Cat: If you open yourself to it, living in residence could be your great salvation. Everybody else comes to residence alone, so they’re all anxious to make new friends. Whatever you do, don’t hide in your room. Say hello and talk to everybody you meet, and go to all the activities there. Also go out and join extra-curricular groups on campus — music, arts, sports, science, whatever interests you. You can drop some of them if you get too busy with school work. Join as many as you like at first to make more friends who share your interests.

Your residence and the university are prepared with activities to welcome new students every year from all over. The students who live in residence often have the easiest time getting to know new people; plus, they get three meals a day, and can eat with each other in the dining hall. Stop worrying so much about this until you get there. Don’t lose the whole summer. University could be a great experience.

As for family, make a plan for a visit home before you even leave, and encourage family to visit. You’ll be home again at Christmas break, anyway. As for the boyfriend, it can be more fun to be free to date when you go away, but some relationships survive a few years of long-distance romance, or sweethearts find ways to go to school in the same city in the second year. Don’t look at this as a disaster, but as a new adventure. Best of luck!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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