Outdoor lovemaking thwarted with ticks on bits

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This article was published 10/06/2017 (3339 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend and I like to go out in the country and find little spots to get naked and make love. Unfortunately, the last place was in bush land and she and I came home covered in ticks. None of them burrowed into her, but now she’s freaked out about summer love, as she calls it.

She’s scared to do it anymore and is seriously worried about getting Lyme disease. Now she just wants to stay inside, and our outdoor lovemaking season has barely started. How do I calm her nerves and get her back to having the usual fun we enjoy in this weather?

— Missing Out, Downtown

Dear Missing Out: Poor diddums! You may have to settle for beach sex this summer in hidden coves and behind rocks. Bug life is much less scary there, although a horsefly is definitely not your friend. Use lots of bug spray, though not in intimate places, and have something to pull over you quickly if you hear voices or buzzing coming your way. Some lovers set up pup tents a few feet away they can slip into in a hurry to avoid swarms of either.

A reader who frequents the nude end of Patricia Beach once wrote me about a sexy experience that got seriously interrupted by a group of people on a supervised hike. It sounded like a scene out of an old comedy movie, so I didn’t give it much credence. Nevertheless, you do need to protect your girlfriend better outdoors. Don’t pooh-pooh her fears about interference from anything nasty out there — from bugs to humans — lest she move her part in the fun indoors forever. It won’t be nearly as much fun out there alone.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ate my words recently after my sweet, sexy and loyal wife I constantly bragged about to all my friends told me she was leaving me. She said she now knows she was never really in love with me.

She told me she finally found her soulmate. I thought she met a younger man, a realistic fear as I’m a lot older. Nope. This guy was one of my poker-party friends who apparently listened to my bragging and decided I wasn’t good enough for her. He managed to trump my lifestyle card with the almighty baby card. He has no baggage and claims he wants kids. I didn’t want any more babies because I have teenagers and they are a handful. Plus, I have an interfering ex-wife and she made my kids hate my second wife. I have too much on my plate.

I did, however, give my wife a secure lifestyle, credit cards, a house, garden, car and my warm love. She had a tough upbringing and was dazzled for a while. This guy who stole her from me has never been married. He is in his late 40s and told her he wants a baby more than anything. I heard yesterday she has already moved in with him, after a few weeks living at her brother’s house. It makes me sick to my stomach. My ex-wife will be laughing so hard now. What do I tell my kids when they arrive in a few weeks for the summer?

— No Fool Like an Old Fool, Winnipeg

Dear No Fool Like an Old Fool: Your kids will be glad that wife has gone and won’t demand a big explanation. Just tell them it didn’t work out. If they prod you for details, it may be because your first wife is dying to know. So just hold onto the relationship didn’t work out line and ask them how they would feel if you wanted all the details when they broke up with somebody.

As for your bitter ex-wife, she might be laughing on the outside, but she may also be hoping to get you back on the inside. Some ex-partners who stay angry are still in love with their exes.

The best thing you can do is stop blabbing to your friends about your personal life — even about the painful breakup — and go see a psychologist or relationship counsellor. Tell your problems to an expert who can actually help you. It is never a good idea to give buddies too much information about your love life. Snakes are particularly good at insinuating themselves in the cracks of a foundation.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I found an old love letter and picture from an ex-boyfriend and I read it twice. Not sure why I threw him away. I remember telling him he was too attentive. My recently exed (by me) husband was anything but. I spent two years of dating — and a whole marriage — chasing him for attention. He found me to be a pest. I guess that translates to too attentive, doesn’t it?

So, I went online and looked for that old boyfriend on Facebook and he’s single. He lives in Winnipeg and is twice as accomplished and appealing as before. I wrote to him. He wrote back a week later and said half-joking, “I didn’t answer you too quickly as I didn’t want to appear too attentive.”

He said he learned to be cooler from me and then, ironically, he learned the lesson too well. His wife left him because he was cold and not attentive enough. Now he’s divorced. Should I write him back and tell him what happened to me? The truth is, I would be very happy with someone who was attentive to me now.

— Learned That Lesson, Selkirk

Dear Learned That Lesson: What’s the harm in getting together for dinner with this man? You were attracted to each other once, but the style and timing were off. Write him back and apologize for stepping on his attentiveness. Tell him how your marriage turned out with the inattentive guy.

Maybe you can be friends or even more. At least meet with him once. You’re both single, more grown-up and it’s a real-life drama — much more interesting than a TV script.

Please write back and tell us how it goes — and don’t spare the details!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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