Spouse gets cold shoulder after cookie fight

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This article was published 20/09/2017 (2956 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I like to go cycling in the summer and end up developing quite a slim, muscular physique. When fall comes, and I know snow is only six to eight weeks away, I start eyeing up the cookies at the grocery store. Over a winter I can gain back as much as 20 pounds, the reverse of bears. When I hibernate in front of the TV I get fatter instead of thinner. I came home last week with $65 worth of cookies that were on sale in preparation for fall and winter.

My wife was furious. She said it was irresponsible, a waste of our money and unhealthy. I got real sick of this beating, and told her that she didn’t own me just because we were married. “I can snack all I want, and it’s none of your business. And tell me, how is it healthier to have a fat butt like yours all year round?” She is barely speaking to me now and I have not seen that fat butt naked for a week. What now? — Fightin’ Words, North End

Dear Fightin’ Words: You can’t take back what you said convincingly, although you can try. Granted, she started this war by turning into your mommy and scolding you. Obviously, both of you are very thin-skinned. Since you meant the words you said, there’s no use pretending you didn’t, but you can apologize from the heart for hurting her.

Giving her flowers as a truce and making her a nice dinner with a bottle of wine might soften her resolve to ignore you. She’s had her revenge; it’s really time for this to be over. Let me know how it goes, and if we’ll have to plan out a second campaign to save your sex life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was walking down a dark sidewalk by my house and saw a bearded man coming toward me, and got scared. When he was close to me and called out, I went onto the road and ran all the way home. Finally, I heard him shouting, “It’s your cousin, Billy! It’s Billy!” I stopped dead, feeling like a fool and walked back for him.

He has a beard now and had been to visit my mom and waited for me, but I was late, so he was on the way to catch the bus. I felt like such a fool. How should I have handled this? I’m terrified of being grabbed and never seen again by my family and friends, especially when it gets dark. (I am in my early 20s and go to college, FYI.) What is most sensible for me to do to be safe? The dark part of the year is coming on. Please suggest something fast. — Scared of Rape or Abduction, Winnipeg

Dear Scared of Rape or Abduction: A cheap but affordable car is what you really need, and maybe a part-time job to support it. Walking back and forth from the bus near your parents’ house in the dark is a daily source of fear and anxiety for you, which is not good for your mental or physical health. Being a fast runner doesn’t work with a heavy pack of books, either. Can you carpool with somebody or study at home more? Look at the billboards at school for potential carpool friends. Stop doing more of what doesn’t work. Anyone with suggestions, please write in.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just met a pretty, slightly older woman at work, and I was flirting with her big time. She wasn’t responding much, except with a tight little smile, and I wasn’t sure why my moves weren’t working on her. Later, I found out she was down checking on something in my department and discovered she is really one of the new bosses of the whole operation.

Just before she left to go upstairs, I gave her my 1,000-kilowatt smile, which usually makes ladies break out in a sweat. My co-worker snickered that I wasn’t her type. I don’t usually have trouble meeting and charming the ladies, like that doofus does. Now, how do I act when I meet her again? — Unsure About My Next Move, Winnipeg

Dear Unsure About My Next Move: You needn’t hang your head, be cold or explain your previous behaviour. Just take on a whole new businesslike approach and casually mention something about her department, so she knows you know. Then you can just leave it alone and save your cute comments and 1,000 kilowatts for the bar.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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