Chatty parrot’s sex talk threatens relationship

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 28/07/2018 (2987 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a bird that picks up noises and occasional words and imitates them perfectly. I didn’t realize this could be a problem when I started seeing this lovely woman who is a free-spirited, vocal lovemaker. No problem for me — I have a house with a big yard and no neighbours nearby.

Unfortunately, my clever parrot overheard a couple of our recent uninhibited sessions together. After I took my lady home last time, I came back and my bird finally let loose with an imitation of my new woman “in the throes,” repeating one phrase over and over.

Oddly, the bird knows enough not to say anything when my new girlfriend is here. I haven’t figured out why my bird keeps her silence. At least, until recently. My lady was here for breakfast and heard the bird loudly say “Oh My Gaaaawd!!!” It could be mistaken for a religious exclamation, but the emphasis on the last word sounded sexual.

“Is she imitating me?” my friend asked slowly. I told her she was the only woman I had been seeing since I got the bird and that seemed to please her. I don’t know when the rest of the words and sounds are going to come out, but my birdie seems to be losing her shyness. What can I do?

— New Bird Man, Tuxedo

Dear Bird Man: Here’s hoping you fall in love with this lady. To minimize the damage when it comes — and it will — you’ll have to say: “Well, that’s it, this bird has spoiled me for any other woman, now she’s imprinted on you!”

Good luck with that and do let us know how it goes when your bird comes out with the rest of what she’s been practising. It’s unlikely the two females in your life will be friends.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mom is a strange woman, but maybe in a good way. Right now, she is between common-law husbands and is dating. When my mother dates, she does it methodically until she meets her next big “love.” None of her loves are permanent, though.

It used to be shocking to me as a teenager to see her swing into this process. She’d generally have a new serious boyfriend in place in the space of 10 to 12 weeks dating them. She had as many as 20 men on a list she kept hidden in her desk drawer as a backup to the one she had on her computer. I found it and read it, and I don’t feel guilty.

She had five columns by each guy with no column headings, so snoops like me wouldn’t know what she was rating. She would tick them off, and on the last column there was a ratings number. (I think.) When she landed the new guy, she got rid of the list. I’m not complaining. I just have a question. Would I be smart to practice this kind of methodical search for a guy or is that kind of weird? I’m really lonely and have no plan.

— Curious Daughter, Age 25, Downtown

Dear Curious: Why not interview your mom and find out what she’s willing to tell you, now that you’re 25. You might like her methods, or reject the whole thing as not your style. Keep in mind that none of your mom’s “winners” worked for a long time. Or it could be she just lost interest and missed the fun of searching.

It seemed to bring her a lot of fun and interest for a while, then things cooled down and she moved on.

Do you want that? Ask her why she lost interest in her men and what her goals are. The answer could be interesting, especially if it’s nothing like yours.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is in response to Hot Misery at the Lake, needing to cool down at the lake with no air conditioning (and thinking of going home to the city). Purchase a pet-cooling pad and apply to your body while sitting, or place it on your body as you settle in for the evening.

— Wanting To Help, Winnipeg

Dear Wanting To Help: Thanks! I got good responses to this from helpful readers. Your idea of a pet-cooling pad is a great one for dogs, cats and people — and inexpensive, too In another letter, a reader said their summer home in Gimli was hot during summer months her husband installed ceiling fans in all the rooms. “Works like a charm for us!” she said.

On holiday in Key West, Fla., one year, I remember fans so big in the high-ceilinged bedrooms that the blades almost reached the walls and could lift paper right off the bed.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography