It’s time to set ‘sex buddy’ free

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 30/07/2018 (2990 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been dating a man my female bowling buddies call No Cigar (as in “close, but no cigar”) for seven years. He wants to get married, but I don’t. He’s great in medium doses, but I like my condo to myself. He proposed twice, and even has the rings on standby. The first proposal I outright refused. A few years later, he got a much bigger ring and tried again. I thought about it, but told him no a second time.

Also, he’s a drinker.

I make him stay away if he’s drinking — as he does every Friday after work; he sleeps it off Saturday and I refuse to see him until Sunday.

He says he goes out drinking with his buddies because his work is stressful and I won’t drink with him.

The rest of the week we see lots of each other and have good sex.

We go birdwatching together, hike, and go to movies and concerts. It’s a great activities-based relationship.

Do I love him?

Well, after seven years of being faithful — yes, I guess I do. To my shock and amazement, he gave me a “final ultimatum” this past week. He says I have to marry him or let him go.

I said “Why now?”

He said “I want the whole enchilada — you, marriage and a baby!”

After some negative responses from me, he was mad enough to say “And there’s another lady who’s expressing interest in me!”

Is that supposed to be a warning to me? Miss L., I don’t want to lose him and I don’t want her to get him either.

Please help!

— Need a Little Freedom, River Heights

 

Dear Freedom: You are describing a friend and sex buddy, not a lover or a mate.

Even if you don’t want to lose this friend, or let some other woman grab him, it’s still not fair to keep him hanging on.

Your weekly pattern is not just a punishment because he drinks. You are not “in love” with the guy.

That’s the feeling where his happiness means more than your own, a desire to give all of yourself to him and see the love in his eyes reflected in your own.

Let No Cigar make his peaceful exit, knowing he is not the right man for you.

Your style of love, where you make all the rules and don’t want him cluttering up your weekends, is not a romance at all.

Think about this: are you afraid of finding real love and romance and having to put yourself on the line emotionally?

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife was not born in Canada, although she was quite the modern Canadian career woman when I met her.

Now that we have a baby, she’s getting back into her old beliefs and cultural customs and acts more like her mother every day.

This is very bad and scary for me.

Yesterday, my wife told me she wants to drop her career and stay home and have more babies. I make enough money for the basics, but I don’t want the job of supporting three or four kids.

While on maternity leave, she spent a lot of time with her mother and sister, who have always been supported by their men.

My wife seems to be rejecting our modern lifestyle deal and I feel betrayed.

I have been very quiet and she wants to know why.

— Silent But Deeply Upset, West End

 

Dear Deeply Upset: This is not the time to be withdrawing into yourself and building up resentment. Talk to your wife openly.

Remind her of the the life plan you made together. Tell her you didn’t sign on to support a big family — certainly not alone — and that you expected she would continue with her career.

She may be putting this idea out there as a feeler, but still be interested in her career.

Talk honestly about what you want, including how many children, and what you see for your family in terms of income and life adventures. Show her the financial facts. She may be just parroting what her mother says.

Show her what your lifestyle as a big family with one breadwinner would be like.

Tell her the bottom line is you can’t put yourself, her and your future children through that strain.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6