Stop over-giving to ungrateful daughter

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This article was published 22/02/2020 (2369 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a widow, and well into my 80s. I’ve always joyously done the holiday thing. It’s such a pleasure for me to have people over for dinner. I’d like to continue on a smaller scale, but now I need help as my health has declined and I have become limited. 

My able-bodied, now-retired daughter in her mid-60s has never chosen to do any of the holidays. In fact, she doesn’t invite me over to her place, nor has she cooked dinner for me. 

About once a year she and her partner take me out for pizza or Chinese food, whereas I have them over almost weekly for elaborate, multi-course dinners and they always go home with extras.

I should mention I get flowers from them on my birthday. The small gestures of help they make are appreciated and I make an effort to show it. This year when Christmas was approaching I asked my daughter whether she could help out by making one easy dish. She declined. 

I thought of all the times I bailed her out and provided financial assistance! She is also abrasive, has a short fuse and wicked temper, and I walk on eggshells around her. Maybe I’m just afraid of ending up all alone in a nursing home with no visitors. 

I love my daughter — she is very dear to me — but I no longer want to continue hosting unless there is some reciprocity or some “sweat equity” in return but it appears I won’t see anything. I’ve hinted at invitations, but the bait is ignored. How do I talk to her about this?

— Worried Hostess Mom, Winnipeg

Dear Worried: You are “over-giving” in an attempt to gain gratefulness, love and company. People get tired of being grateful and being invited over too often. They want to do other things. So let’s talk turkey. You don’t even enjoy each other’s company that much, do you? 

So, how about making subtle changes by offering invites for dinners every couple of weeks and next Christmas you order a full turkey dinner from one of the fine hotels who offer this service and just relax.

Have the usual group over and serve the chef-made turkey, delicious side dishes and desserts, and make no excuses for not cooking it. Also, lay no blame for people not offering to help out!

Look, it’s too late to teach a 60-something daughter any lessons. You have over-given for years to her, trying to buy her love. How about treating old friends who might be grateful and fun-loving, not acting like they’re doing you a favour? Invite them over and order in, and play cards or board games afterward. 

Maybe old friends getting few and far between? Also, check out the Manitoba Association of Seniors Centres website (manitobaseniorcentres.com) to get involved in activities and make new friends.

They’ll be more fun than this daughter and her partner, and they’d be be happy to be invited over once in a while. 

Remember, there is no shame in ordering in — you don’t have to cook big meals for people any more! Give yourself a break and you’ll have a bigger, happier social life with friends, and lose your fear of being alone, should you stop cooking elaborate meals for your daughter. 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My friend’s brother is treating their mom, who is 88-years-old, like garbage. He makes all her decisions while grocery shopping and she can only buy what he says.

She received a parcel from a relative at Christmas and he gave the stuff to his friends and two family members. She was left with two items.

I’m sure he felt she didn’t need this stuff — but it was from her own daughter! This is pure elder abuse. How can we help this poor woman?

— Frustrated, Manitoba

Dear Frustrated: Go to the Canadian Network for the Prevention of Elder Abuse (CNPEA) website to find out about the many kinds of help and social services available in Manitoba.

Also, if there’s an actual abuse crime going on — like stealing, terrorizing, threats, or physical abuse — call the police and ask for someone experienced in crimes against seniors.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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