Work some positivity into body talk

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This article was published 17/09/2021 (1841 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife used to tease me in a sweet way, but now she hides mean criticism under her little “jokes.” In particular lately, she teases me about my tall, skinny body. As a result, I’m embarrassed to get undressed in front of her, and I’m not wanting to have sex much. She complained about her lack of a sex life last week, and I said, “You don’t seem to like my body much anymore. I’m surprised you’re missing it.”

The weird thing is my body hasn’t changed much since I met her, but she’s put on weight. I don’t ridicule her for that. She carried two babies for us, so her body was bound to change, and I’m fine with that. But the more out-of-shape she gets, the more she picks on me, calling me things like “bone-rack.”

A week ago she asked me why I don’t start lifting weights to add some muscle; I asked her why she didn’t do something to lose the 30 pounds she’s gained! She ran into the bathroom and cried, with the shower running.

Now what? We’re barely talking and just trying to be “nice” to each other, but there’s still a lot of tension and zero affection, never mind sex.

— Self-Conscious Bone-Rack, St. Norbert

Dear Self-Conscious: Start by voicing some positives to get through this standoff and try to bring back some warmth. To break the ice, apologize for the weight-loss comment and tell her the things you love about her looks and/or the way she dresses. Then ask her what she actually likes about you and your looks. You were both attracted enough at one time to get married, so this shouldn’t be impossible.

Exercising together would be a good idea, even if you have to put the kids in strollers and take them with you on nightly walks. That’s one way to build some muscle or drop some weight — and to improve your moods. Instead of picking at each other indoors, you’ll be focusing on what you see outdoors.

You also need to talk about what needs fixing in the rest of your relationship, as that may be what’s feeding the snarky comments about appearances. Sometimes people are afraid to shine a light on the bigger problems for fear of breaking up the family.

Counselling can be a big help with that, as you’ll have a referee in the room or online who happens to be a relationship expert.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I married a young doctor, and now he doesn’t tell me about his work. When he was a med student he chatted about medicine and cases all the time (without mentioning people’s names), and that was part of the big attraction.

Now he’s a fully qualified doctor, and he doesn’t tell me anything! He says his patients would be horrified if he was discussing them at home, and I say, “What does it matter, if you don’t tell me their names?”

— Left Out Now, south Winnipeg

Dear Left Out: Most doctors are busy and tight-lipped about work, and the last thing they want to do when they get home is revisit cases at work. You’re going to have to respond to your husband’s need to leave his work at the office or the hospital. It’s just irritating him when you try to pry it out of him, and it gets you nowhere.

Instead, bring back things you used to do for fun and stimulation — cooking, having close friends over to barbecue, participating in sports you both like, going for drives, playing board games, watching funny movies, sexual connection.

Be aware when he’s tired, as he sometimes may just need to rest. In that case, go hang out with a friend or family member. This pandemic has been hard on everybody, but particularly for people in medical professions. They need a little distraction and are often just in need of a real rest.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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