You can’t stay mum on partner’s stepmother

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/06/2022 (1250 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: After observing my partner’s family dynamic for seven years, I’ve concluded her stepmom is a narcissist.

Over the years, I’ve witnessed my partner being emotionally manipulated. As a result, she deals with a lot of self-doubt and guilt, even as an adult.

Simply put, her stepmom has a way of getting into my partner’s mind, by guilt-tripping her and making her question herself as a good and kind person.

At times, I find it difficult to keep my mouth shut about the injustice in their relationship, but the last thing I want to do is spark more division between her and her family.

My question is, how do I help my partner set boundaries and see the issues with their relationship without criticizing the stepmother?

— Booster Seat, Winnipeg

Dear Booster Seat: As long as you stay quiet, your partner’s stepmom can keep manipulating her unchecked, and you can’t boost your partner up to the dignified place she needs to be.

It’s time to start speaking up, as long as you choose your words carefully. When you witness the next manipulative move the stepmother is trying to pull, point it out right away.

Try a calm statement like this: “Your stepmother is saying this to you to try to make you feel (choose the right word — guilty, inept, insecure, stupid, ungrateful, undeserving). Don’t fall for it.”

Later, gently say, “She’s an expert manipulator. Let’s put our heads together and figure out how to handle your stepmom’s moves.”

Whatever you do, don’t call the stepmother names, or your partner will defend her, and then the opportunity is lost to change this dynamic!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Please suggest the family of writer “Desperate Parents” have the child tested for dyslexia. There are very specific approaches to teaching reading that are incredibly effective for it.

One of our children could not read at all by the end of Grade 1, despite older siblings and a twin sister who all picked up reading very easily. Trust me, we were spending hours and hours with her, and making no headway.

We were lucky to have a great resource teacher who urged us to pay for a private dyslexia test. It revealed profound dyslexia. It took two years of an hour a day at home and additional sessions at school to get our child reading.

We used the Barton method. I have no doubt our honour-roll high school student would still not be reading without the benefit of a reading program that was specifically designed for dyslexia.

The family should not rely on the school. Find the money to get the testing done and go with Barton or another similar program if they have to. It’s not cheap, but will make all the difference to their child.

It’s heartbreaking how many bright kids are struggling because they have dyslexia and it’s not being caught early.

There may also be dyslexia-specific tutoring available in Winnipeg. We live in a remote area, so that was not an option for us.

— C.H., Manitoba

Dear C.H.: Thanks for taking the time to write of your experience and your daughter’s working through dyslexia. The Barton method clearly worked for your child, and reading opens the door to success in school.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I write in response to “Desperate Parents.” I had a colleague who suffered from dyslexia who got to a management position through remedial training.

The description of the writer’s child’s struggle sounds exactly like what he went through. When long passages of text were to be read, he had to scan for the essential thoughts, rather than read line by line. And, if he got fatigued in a daylong conference, he had to avoid reading altogether. But he has coped, and succeeded. There is hope for “Desperate Parents.”

— Friend of a Dyslexic Person, Winnipeg

Dear Readers: I heard from many helpful folks responding to “Drinking Everything but the Kool-aid.” That’s the person searching for a non-religious program to shake his serious drinking habit. There were several good suggestions included in my recent columns.

Some folks also recommended online programs that help “cut back” on alcohol.

One reader suggested a program that started with this challenge: “Quit drinking alcohol for 30 days, and see how you feel.” The seriously addicted person who first wrote in would be feeling mighty ill and desperate if they took this tack.

Those who can join a local program where they can get information, coaching, peer support and medical referrals are often on a much stronger and safer route to sobriety.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.