Racist remark by friend’s husband too off-colour

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This article was published 27/08/2016 (3689 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: A friend of mine is engaged to a man who is a well-known business leader and philanthropist. Our friendship has survived many decades. We now travel in different social circles, but make a point of meeting for lunch every couple of months. We have always been able to pick up where we left off, without missing a beat — until now. Her partner recently made a remark about my husband’s background referring to him as a “little (racist remark).”

He was slightly drunk, but I couldn’t believe my ears. Since we were in a private discussion in a loud environment, I was the only one who heard him. There was no way I misunderstood his words. He was actually laughing when he said it. I politely confronted him, out of respect for my friend, and left. This man with the impeccable public persona is a closet racist. Do I view him with different eyes now? You bet! Would he care what I think? Doubtful. My friend and I are supposed to meet for lunch in a few weeks, and I am hesitant. I know she will pick up on my discomfort and I don’t want to lose her friendship over his insensitive remark. Any advice?

— What To Say? Winnipeg

Dear What To Say: You owe it to your friend to tell her the hard truth about this fiancé she may marry and be with permanently. Tell her exactly what he said, how you feel and why you will not be going to have a polite meal with them together after this. You would just feel phoney and and sick to your stomach from nerves. Lots of women have girlfriends they don’t see in the company of their guys, even after they’re married. This might be one of those situations, or if your friend defends her fiancé’s racist remark, you might find you feel different about her and see her rarely.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m lost and stressed. My ex-common law spouse and I split up over a year ago. He betrayed my trust on dating websites during our relationship and cheated. Even after we had our child we just couldn’t get along. I felt second-best.

Fast-forward a year later I started dating and seeing someone. I hid it for months. My ex found out and begged for me back. I refused, as we made great friends and co-parented just fine the last year, celebrating holidays and our son’s birthday. But now that I’m seeing someone, he has crossed boundaries and admitted how jealous he is. He’s served me with papers, demanding to be the primary caregiver. He also wants child support and his legal fees paid. He makes triple the amount I do.

Everything I say is a lie (according to him). He denies he was jealous. He uses our child as a weapon. I’m lost and want things to go back to normal. I want us to co-parent and focus on our son again, not my personal life.

I feel invaded. Advice?

— Complicated Problem, Winnipeg

Dear Complicated Problem: Don’t allow yourself to be beaten down by threats. See the best domestic lawyer you can for a one-time consult. If that lawyer is too expensive to continue with, ask for a referral to a lawyer he or she trusts to be excellent, but you will be able to afford. It’s not clear in your letter if the child lives with you or your ex.

Because your ex is threatening you, you must learn to stand up to him now, or later. A judge who has seen many of these cases before will recognize this man’s ploy. Your ex mainly wants to break you and your new boyfriend up. He was happy with the arrangement last year before there was a new man in your life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a man with a plan — a plan to get married within two years — and the idea of the plan nixed everything I felt about him initially. He was looking for someone to fill the role/job of wife and become his trusted sidekick so he would look good in his business and political world.

On the other hand, he is good-looking, smart, well-educated with a great future ahead of him. My friends and family couldn’t believe it when I pushed him away. In my most cynical moments, I wondered when that successful man would hire for another role: the affair babe. At the end of a pregnancy? When the romance wore off and he tired of me?

I stopped seeing him after this plan came to light. He wasn’t even smart enough to hide it. How will he hide things as a politician one day? He won’t stop calling, day and night and he does eerie drive-bys in his car. It appears no one says no to him. What should I do?

— Not Up For His Plan, Charleswood

Dear Not Up For His Plan: Tell him you will report him and charge him with harassment if he keeps calling. His plan for success will stall if he gets into legal trouble. That will probably stop him. If the situation doesn’t change quickly, then block him from calling and see police about the stalking.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: There are a few single moms and one single dad in my neighbourhood who are struggling financially. I have a lot of extra food in my garden so I take it to them in bags and boxes. The first time I go to someone’s home, I knock on the door and ask them, “Can you take some of this off my hands? I have too much.” After that I just put it over their fences for them and tell them where it will be.

I’m writing because I just thought some other people with bountiful gardens might think about helping out in this way. It’s really helpful to your neighbourhood, and I find it personally gratifying. It also justifies my hobby farm in the backyard.

— Gardening For Pleasure and Charity Too, Winnipeg

Dear Gardening: This is a great idea. Many people find themselves overloaded with potatoes, tomatoes and other veggies at this time of the year. Then there’s the fruits, such as apples and berries. It’s nice the way you don’t make a big deal about getting thanked and patted on the back by grateful neighbours. I agree it’s necessary in the beginning to let the recipients know what you’re doing, as otherwise they might be confused by finding bags of garden goodies just dropped inside their yards.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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