No obligation to forgive abuse

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This article was published 12/08/2018 (2973 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I left a terrible marriage many, many years ago; my wife was mentally unstable and verbally abusive. I have had no contact with her or her family in all those years as there was no reason to. We never had children together. She was subsequently diagnosed with some type of psychosis, and is now dying from a terminal illness. She is on medication that has apparently stabilized her, and I was told she’s been asking for my forgiveness.

I know it’s the right thing to do, but I’m still so angry. I just can’t. And what’s more, I don’t like the guilt her family is making me feel just because she’s dying. We’re all going to die someday. I don’t want to forgive her. She caused me years of anguish and I have spent years working on myself to undo what she did to me and raise my self-esteem. I’m in a good place now and want nothing to do with this.

Is it my moral obligation to absolve her? It doesn’t seem fair that I’m the one that now feels like the bad guy.

— Stubbornly Saying No, Fort Garry

Dear Stubbornly: It is totally your choice, not that of her relatives. You might go so far as to ask one of the relatives to tell her that you really suffered from her abuse, but have let it go. Forgiveness does not mean that the terrible things said and done to you were OK. Not at all. That would make your head feel crazy; it would not feel true or right. But you do need to let go of it, for your own peace. Whatever you do, this woman will be leaving this planet shortly and you will never see her again. That may bring you a measure of peace.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Don’t judge me, but I want to have an affair. I love my husband, but I want to see what it’s like to be with other men. He was quite the player when he snagged me years ago, but I was much younger and still a virgin. He’s the only pie I’ve tasted!

I don’t want to lose my marriage, but I’m so curious in my mid-30s to see what’s out there and what other people look like. I’ve never even seen another nude male body besides his. I’ve always been very sexual and he seems to be slowing down, which just makes me frustrated — I’m just getting started on my path of sexual exploration and experimentation. We have two kids together and he treats me well, so I have a lot to lose if I screw this up.

— Wanton and Wanting Wife, Winnipeg

Dear Wanton: This is a dangerous road you’re walking, since you don’t want to lose your husband. If you feel you need to experience another man, you have to extend the same freedom to your husband. I gather he’s being true to you at this point. Sneaking will break up the marriage if you get caught.

Are you ready to share him? Imagine in detail how you would feel if your guy were with another woman. One alternative to a regular marriage is swinging with another couple, which your sexually-experienced husband might enjoy more than you’d like — though that might restimulate his interest in sex with you as well as the other women. Or you could talk about an open marriage where you each pursue other people for sex, but this usually means a loosening of ties with your primary mate.

Then, there’s your children to consider. Are they still at home? Can you wait until they are grown and gone from the nest? Finding out their parents are involved in this kind of sexual experimentation would be very hard on them.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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