Mom and daughter wage storage war

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 17/10/2018 (2904 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a mother we share the house with. I don’t want her to move out. I can’t afford to move and I don’t want to. I let her move back to consolidate our space.

Here’s the problem: she has no organizing skills whatsoever with things she buys and collects. All her belongings are in storage totes and pails. I gave her a dresser and she refuses to use it. She grew up on the farm and has the old-school mentality that you have to hoard everything and buy multiples.

I recently had the kitchen redone and new wood flooring put in. You can’t see most of it for the bins everywhere, ditto for the tool shed and garage. Her bins contain everything imaginable, from clothes to trinkets, pens, coins and fancy bottles, all mixed together. I tried a couple of times to organize some of them. She gets upset and puts it back into some unorganized mess. She will go mad looking for one item, make a mess and spend all day looking for it. She is the same with the garden — veggies mixed with flowers, grass and rose bushes.

She’s not insane, just extremely stubborn. I have a handyman friend couch-surfing with us who has done a lot of the housework and landscaping, but doesn’t want to help anymore because of her attitude.

Aside from all this, she’s my only parent, smart, not at all ready for a nursing home and I don’t want to send her to one. I can’t talk to her because she only hears what she wants. You have to tell her several times or write it down to explain anything to her. I can’t afford a counsellor. I try to keep my area cleaned up and somewhat organized. I’m at my wits end.

— Unorganized Family Member, Winnipeg

Dear Unorganized: There’s a power struggle going on here. Is Mom also trying to tell you how to run your life? Is she complaining about the couch surfer? I’m thinking not likely, because you seem to be the boss of her.

How about you take over the kitchen, living room and your bedroom, keeping them whistle clean and organized, and she gets the other rooms to do what she wants. And if you don’t like gardening especially, let your mom have the garden her way.

Try to enjoy your mother while she’s with you. Go out together — out of the house that bothers you. Do things with her; don’t just live with and criticize her. Since you can’t afford a counsellor, read up on hoarding and early stages of dementia for the time when these things may show up, as they do for many aging parents.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend is sociable and charming in many ways, but he’s bad on the phone to the point of saying, “Yeah, what is it?” which translates to, “State your business and get off my phone.” Last time he did that, I hung up on him, and he didn’t get it. He said he thought the phone service must have cut out, but he didn’t phone back, so I don’t believe him.

I’ve had enough! What if I married him? I’d have a whole life of not being welcome to call him. What if we had kids? What if I was missing him when he was away on a business trip and just wanted to talk? What if I just needed to hear him say, “I love you,” on a bad day? Please help. I love him in many other ways.

— Debating Rude Lover’s Fate, Winnipeg

Dear Debating: He’s mostly good, so don’t dump him or berate him. Teach him a few specific behaviours instead. Tell him exactly what you want him to say when he answers your phone calls, such as, “Hello darling. Nice to hear your voice. What’s up in your world today?” For a joke, you could give him that line on a lovey-dovey card and rehearse it with him once or twice.

Then the next time you call him, ask him to answer with the code words, which could make you both laugh. It can become your little in-joke, and everybody will be happy. Couples usually have a few in-jokes, particularly in intimate situations. This can be a silly, but helpful, one.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography