Marriage betrayal a signal it’s time to move on

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 18/05/2019 (2698 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband has a girlfriend. I know this because he goes to the basement in the middle of the night and talks to her on the phone. I followed him last week when I realized he had some kind of thing happening at exactly 3 a.m. every morning, and it wasn’t going to the bathroom and coming back. I thought he must be snacking in the kitchen.

Oh, no! He was down in the basement on his phone talking to someone who was very intimate. I could hear the sexy tone of his voice and some of the words he was calling her.

I was stunned. I had no words. I thought I was losing my mind. The next night I snuck down and they were having phone sex. I screamed and ran upstairs crying. He ran back upstairs and all I said was, “I want a divorce.” He got very agitated and promised to stop calling her, saying she “didn’t mean that much” to him. “And I don’t either,” I said, “but I loved you and pledged you my whole life. Get out!”

He went to the other bedroom and I locked our bedroom door. We don’t have any children yet. Is this the time to go, like right now? I don’t want him to touch me now.

There was nothing wrong with our relationship — we got along great. I’m 29 and a very responsive and sensual woman. Our sex life was great and we wanted babies together — or so I thought. I am in hell. Please help me!

— Betrayed Wife, Winnipeg

Dear Betrayed: These are the hardest betrayals to forgive. You have given everything and all seems good, but your life partner suddenly wants more, if he can get away with it.

He may be one of those people who loves the cloak-and-dagger thrill of the chase. Or he may just crave sexual variety to satisfy his appetites.

You’re at a place in your life where you want to find a real life partner and have children. This guy is not right for you. See a counsellor who can help you decide what you want for yourself.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am a teacher and mom of four. I feel you brushed off the iPad Addiction Enabler who gave her kids iPads at any early age. (Miss L. suggested replacing cellphones with awkward silence at the dinner table won’t work well and that Mom should sit down and introduce topics for spirited conversations/arguments.)

All phones have parental controls, but the cellphone stores don’t care to help with setup. Mom can block adult content on the phones and even set the amount of time they can access social media each day. That’s what I do. You can also set timers for browsing and other activities. Sure, the kids get annoyed at first, but eventually they adjust accordingly and use their time more wisely.

I also made a rule in our house that at bedtime, the phone stays in the kitchen to charge overnight, with the understanding I know the password (as I pay for the phones) and may choose to snoop once in a while. This has helped, but the addictive phones are a constant battle.

— Just Call Me Jan, Winnipeg

Dear Jan: Thanks for the letter. You’re making a good stab at winning the cellphone addiction battle in your family. One of the biggest problems with cellphones is other people. They provide instant access, which can mean constant interruptions when at school or work, or heaven forbid, while driving.

I wonder: why do you still pay for your children’s cellphones? That’s what part-time jobs are for (plus they keep kids too busy to text 24/7). Did you start by wanting immediate access to your kids for safety’s sake, as so many parents do? Do you still feel this need? This is an addiction as well, but it’s yours.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran into a man in my back lane and I recognized him from school. He was going through my dumpster. I was embarrassed and so was he. I stopped long enough to say hi, but we were both dying of embarrassment. I didn’t know whether to run off or give him $20 and wish him well. What should I have done? I have no idea.

— Shocked to See Him, St. Boniface

Dear Shocked: This is a very hard question. He might be so embarrassed by the encounter that he will never come your way again, even if you did give him money. Or he may be so desperate for cash (possibly for drugs) that he will return again and again. Could readers help with suggestions on how to handle this? See my address below.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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