Sudden urge to censor salty talk seems fishy

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 08/06/2022 (1579 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I thought I was dating one of the nicest, most caring and romantic men I’ve ever known. But now he’s adopted this holier-than-thou attitude and has started correcting my “potty mouth.” My swearing never seemed to trouble him before, but now he’s at me daily to “stop talking like a tramp!”

For the first five months, there was not a word about it. He now says he’s ready to put soap in my mouth and “spank me if necessary.” The tone of his voice tells me he’d do it.

I’ve always had a way with “colourful” words, but suddenly it’s a problem for him? What happened? My friends say this is only the beginning of things, and he’ll soon make me change in other ways too. Is this true?

— Upset and Wary, Norwood

Dear Upset and Wary: Time to leave this guy. Mr. Romantic has started verbally chastising you and threatening to beat you. He’s gone from seemingly caring to threatening.

That’s often how abuse works. The person has been overly sweet and caring, so when they shift gears, they can say you caused the change in them with your behaviour. Don’t buy that! It has always been there, hidden under the surface.

For your next relationship, look for somebody who normally uses a bit of colourful language, and only moderate your own if you think you’re getting over the top.

Don’t make the mistake of advertising for another dominant type by telling prospective partners what this guy was doing with his pushiness and threats — and that you were putting up with it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I feel like I’m at the end of my rope. My husband’s drinking has escalated since the pandemic started — up to multiple drinks throughout the day and passing out at supper time. That “nap” gives him the strength to then drink all through the night. We haven’t eaten together more than three times in the last four months.

He retired during the pandemic into a world of boredom. I’m not yet retired. He’s stopped spending time with old work friends — or maybe they have dropped him. He gets drunk and raises his voice at me if I complain, and I back down.

I’m ready to up and leave, but getting divorced in my 60s was not what I envisioned for myself. Is there anything left for me?

— More Alone than Ever, Garden City

Dear Alone: Your husband has already stopped being a loving partner to you, and has embraced the bottle with both hands.

So far, he’s not been paying a great price. Why should he quit drinking if you’re staying? You’ve been paying in loneliness and loss of self-esteem and hope for a happy future. It’s time to take back your power.

Tell your husband, without a big display of tears, you will not live a life of loneliness and neglect with an alcoholic. He needs to find out the ground beneath his feet is beginning to move.

Since you have a job, consider getting your own place and actually leaving. He will be forced to see the big problem — and that he needs to get help. If he loves you, the shock might lead him to Alcoholics Anonymous (aamanitoba.org), or a similar resource to help him quit drinking.

You might also consider going to Al-Anon (al-anon.org), the group for people who are negatively affected by someone else’s drinking. No matter what you decide, remember this: You need some new, fun and healthy friends in your life, ASAP. Luckily, interest groups are revving up as the pandemic gears down — for every activity you can think of. That includes sports, arts, charities, travel and singles groups.

You might also enjoy filling some evenings with a part-time job, in addition to your full-time position. That job should be fun and social, while bringing in more money for widening interests, and perhaps some travel. Being single in your 60s could be very enjoyable, so hold your head high. You have options!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography