You can’t pussyfoot around a crazy cat lady

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 06/06/2017 (3377 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new girlfriend can’t have children, so instead she has three cats she treats like human babies.

They have diamond collars, furry beds, expensive food, their own bedroom, a radio, a DVD player for cat videos and music playing all the time, like in an elevator.

I don’t want children myself because I want to be free to travel the world for my work and for sports such as mountain climbing.

But these three cats are spoiled worse than human children. She spends hours in their room stroking them and talking to them in baby talk, while I watch TV alone in the living room. Otherwise, she’s really nice and sweet.

Something just feels wrong, but I can’t put my finger on it. —Uneasy Stomach, St. James

Dear Uneasy Stomach: When something just feels wrong or weird in a new relationship, even if you can’t verbalize it, you should go with your gut and say goodbye.

This woman is not a match for you. She might be best mated with a guy who’s willing to adopt children or another serious cat enthusiast.

You don’t want children and she wants them so desperately she’s made cats into substitute human children.

Maybe you need to find a different woman who doesn’t wants kids and will travel the world with you. The cat lady will want to stay home with her cats and make sure they’re secure, happy and well-served.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I had a horrible experience with a store clerk the other day where she was so rude I almost slapped her face. Something stopped me and it was my dead mother’s voice screaming, “Someday those hands are going to land you in jail.”

I used to have a habit of slapping people’s faces who upset me, but that was in the ‘70s. Finally one guy slapped me back and I almost passed out, so I stopped hitting men, even if they deserved it.

Instead of slapping that rude little tramp (she’s so lucky) I took my complaint to the manager of the store and expressed it in a very angry voice using a few choice words.

The manager went and talked to the clerk and came back a long 20 minutes later. I was boiling over by then. She said, “She told us how you treated her and we stand behind her. You were verbally violent and threatening. I will not allow you back in the store. Please leave now.”

I told her she couldn’t do that and I was going to call my lawyer. She said to go ahead because they already talked to theirs, which was probably a lie.

I spend a lot of money in that store and deserve to be treated with respect. If my language is a little bit strong now and then, it’s because I’ve been provoked.

I think I deserve an apology from the store and from that little tramp who waited on me. She said a few bad words of her own, let me tell you.

I think I also deserve a red carpet invitation to come back and shop there, whenever I want. — Former Loyal Customer, Winnipeg

Dear Former Loyal Customer: If you’re wise, all communications with that store will end immediately. No one is on your side and you have been banned.

You don’t have a right to behave any way you wish in a store or to try to push staff around. Nor do you have a right to swear at them. And nobody there is lucky you didn’t smack them in the face — you are lucky you heard your departed mother’s warning and didn’t assault the sales associate and end up in court.

For your own good, make an appointment with a psychologist and learn how to control your emotions, violent impulses and tongue. This should be a learning experience and a turning point for you. 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography