Be upfront about possible end to avoid ghosting

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This article was published 04/04/2018 (3059 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am wondering if you could expand upon the topic of how prevalent ghosting has become in the online dating world.

I’m a therapist and see young and middle-aged adults in my practice. No matter what the age, it seems that this has become an acceptable form of ending a relationship, even after sexual contact has been made.

I’m seeing a fair amount of distress amongst women who have been treated in this manner; aggravating a sense of mistrust in love and relationships. I would appreciate hearing more of your perspective on the matter.

— Concerned Therapist, Manitoba

Dear Concerned Therapist: Ghosting is the term for totally disappearing as if your new online interest/crush/sex partner had not been in your life at all. A person you’ve been talking to online, or even dating a bit, just stops all contact with you with no explanation and you never hear from this person again.

Ghosting is cowardly and inhumane and it happens way too often with people 13 to 30, and now it’s happening to older people too. The two people may have said sweet things, had an affectionate conversation going, met once or twice, had phone sex, been sexting, met for some dates and/or maybe even had sex already.

With ghosting, the person is suddenly gone. They may even block the person on their phone, so there can be no contact going through anymore from the rejected party, who will never know what happened to end the relationship.

Ghosting may communicate a message such as, “You don’t exist, you never did and you don’t deserve any explanation, no closure discussion, and no goodbye.”

The ghostee is left wondering what he or she did wrong. Little do they realize, a player can have a whole bunch of people on the string at once online, and getting rid of a few by ghosting is no big deal — and they don’t care.

The best defence against getting ghosted is to talk about it right off the top and say, “It’s nice chatting and getting to know you, but if you find you want to stop at any time, just tell me it isn’t working for you. No hard feelings.” That way the person won’t feel awkward if he or she isn’t feeling good about the relationship.

The Tinder app makes it seem like a game.

Tinder puts looks first, for better or for worse. If two people choose each other by their photos, they are considered a match and can contact each other.

Just choosing people by flipping through photos with no personality information attached makes people more like dolls and less like humans with feelings. Part of the reason people went for this came out of the high percentage of relationships that fizzled when people got together in person after weeks or months of verbal build-up online, but when they met, there was no chemistry. In the end, there’s nothing better for meeting a good person than activities where people see you and talk to you while engaged in a sport, discussion group, class, or at a party organized by friends.

People interacting with you and others works much better as a meet than a voice on the phone, clever words online or a staged photo. You need the laugh, the voice, the eye expression, the movement, the ideas and the whole body, mind and soul present. It’s also nice to see how they interact with other people when they’re not showing off for you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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