Time to ease up on your emotional gas pedal

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 06/06/2020 (2288 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a guy in his early 40s. I’ve never been married and never wanted to be — until now. I’ve lived with women twice, and it didn’t feel much different to me than dating. Both women felt more than I did. I thought I just wasn’t the type to fall head over heels. Yep, I thought I had it all figured out. Then, last fall, I met this younger woman and it’s a totally different feeling. I want to marry her, make her mine, have babies with her and be together forever.

Part of the reason she likes me so much is because she doesn’t see me as a marrying kind of guy! And I wasn’t, until about a month after I started seeing her. I went all soft inside, and the L-word kept coming to my lips, but I couldn’t say it, because she wasn’t! She has no idea how deeply I have fallen for her. I don’t want to scare her away. How can I handle this to win her?

— Whole New World, Winnipeg

Dear New World: Use your maturity to “feather” the emotional gas pedal. Watch her eyes, see how she’s responding, and show her that you’re matching her level of emotion and adding to it a little each time. There’s nothing wrong with telling her you feel differently than you did with past girlfriends, “and in a great way.” (You’re only half a year in, and this time you’re going to have to be the one who works for it.)

Don’t kid yourself! She knows your past record and not just from what you’ve told her. She probably went into this relationship with her foot on the brakes, if she’s a smart lady — I gather she’s that and a lot more. She may feel the same way towards you, but because of your past and her reputation for loving her freedom, she may not want to admit it yet.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mom is slowly turning into one of the conspiracy theorists and she is flouting pandemic rules because she thinks it’s all fake. She is a smart woman with a professional job, so I just don’t understand what happened. At some point, she seems to have started drinking the Kool-Aid and never looked back.

My young family were in a bubble with her,  but now I’m scared of that. Whenever I drop by with them to visit, grandma is pleasant at first, but always looks for a way to “get into it” with my wife. My partner is a smart person and knows to avoid the conversation, but my mom still goes looking for an argument.

It feels like she’s now just a shell of the kind, intelligent woman she used to be and is just full of denial and anger at the people keeping her from seeing her lunch and bridge buddies who “aren’t sick, for God’s sake!” How can I get my sensible mother back?

— Shaking My Head, River Heights

Dear Shaking: Your mom sounds like she’s lonely and frustrated. Now she’s so mad she’s gone into denial rather than stay home anymore — even if it’s not really safe, and she’s visiting people who reject the rules.

Phone her lots and go see her by yourself a few times, inviting her outside for a walk or to sit in lawn chairs, but remember to keep your two-metre distance. Don’t put your wife in your mom’s sights by bringing her anymore, and don’t risk the kids, since grandma is going out with her like-minded pals.

Your mother will ask about your wife. Give her any old excuse for your wife’s absence. Leave cheerfully and quickly if she’s looking for a fight. Refuse to be her new punching bag. So what if she’s cranky for a few more months? Don’t let her attitude cow you!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just found out that my girlfriend hates animals. She treats my neighbours’ dog like a criminal — a black lab that’s nothing but kind. It hit me like a freight train the other night when she came on to me all sexy, and all I could think about was how she had just told our neighbour off for letting the dog touch her as she got out of her car. The dog was outside with our neighbour on a nice day and it was just being friendly. She freaked out.

I just rented a house, and I thought maybe we’d move in together in the summer or fall. At my previous apartment there were no pets allowed, so I never saw this side of her. I want to have a dog (or maybe two) one day. I love dogs.

— Am I Blowing This Out of Proportion? St. Norbert

Dear Blowing: No, you’re not! It’s best if people who love dogs mate with others who feel the same way. Nothing is more disgusting and upsetting to an animal-lover than a mate who’s nasty to animals; and nothing is more disgusting to an animal-hater than a dog who isn’t perfectly behaved and tucked out of sight.

Though it may seem awkward to you, this revelation came at exactly the right time. You are not stuck together. The house is for you and you really need to fade this girlfriend out, not invite her to move in.

P.S.: Her nastiness could also be directed towards small children, who cry and don’t behave perfectly all the time.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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