Store abuse likely signals much deeper problems

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This article was published 25/09/2020 (2152 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Readers: In a recent letter signed Wife Abuse, a man was witnessed loudly cursing out his presumed wife in a store, and upsetting everybody nearby. The older female partner was silently pushing her cart. I suggested store managers might have training for these situations, but not all do! I asked for reader suggestions, and here they are:

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Obviously this type of behaviour has been going on for decades with this couple. This man had no respect for his partner, didn’t care what he was saying or where he was saying it. My advice to the person who witnessed this is that she should have contacted the store manager. That way the manager could have pulled him aside and explained this type of behaviour is not tolerated in his store.

Bullies usually back down, and this person is definitely a bully. Unfortunately, his wife or partner has put up with this type of treatment for years and will continue to do so. Verbal abuse is just as destructive as physical abuse.

— End Domestic Violence, Manitoba

Dear End Domestic Violence: This may have been a case of long-term abuse, tolerated in silence, or it might be he has a new mental illness. Calling the store manager would have been better than approaching the couple, as an interfering shopper has no power.

A manager might have quieted the man and stopped the cursing, but the belligerent man might have raised a huge ruckus with the manager.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: There is also the possibility the husband has had some sort of traumatic brain injury (stroke, for example) and this is new behaviour he can’t control.

— My Two Cents Winnipeg

Dear Two Cents: That is true, although the total silence on the part of this woman does not indicate this loud public cursing is new. Her total lack of response is not normal and seems most likely to have been a coping behaviour.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: What you don’t know is this man might have dementia. That can bring out loud, aggressive behaviour. Maybe his wife has learned the best way to deal with it is to ignore it. I just hope she’d get help if he was actually physically abusive. Personally, I’d only intervene if I thought someone was physically at risk.

—Just Sayin’, Winnipeg

Dear Just Sayin’: Verbal abuse, especially of the obscene and public variety, is as hurtful as physical violence. Her total silence indicates this man — presumably her husband — has done this before and this is how she minimizes it. Most likely he has a psychological problem — dementia or otherwise — as most people would not choose to make a display of themselves as he did. But there is help for caregivers, particularly if Alzheimer’s disease is the situation. The Alzheimer Society of Manitoba (alzheimer.mb.ca) offers excellent help and advice.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My first thought was the senior man more than likely suffers from dementia and his wife just needed to get a few things at the store.

If the writer was so sad for this lady, rather than writing to a newspaper columnist, maybe a kind word to her as she walked by would have been more helpful and probably would have made her day!

Seniors are having a rough enough time during COVID-19. Can we not take a moment to be kind rather than stand back and make judgments on what we think is happening?

— Kindness First, southern Manitoba

Dear Kindness First: Perhaps a whispered, “Can I help you in some way?” to the woman would have allowed an onlooker to discreetly talk to a nearby clerk to summon the manager or, if requested, to leave things alone in her presence.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6. 

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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