‘Black swan’ may not be over ‘duckling’ snub

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 25/04/2022 (1575 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just ran into an old boyfriend from my first job. Wow! It was a jolt.

He’s quite a bit younger than me and when I knew him, he was pretty awkward. He had thick, black hair sticking up like feathers — a lovable ugly duckling. He was sweet, but not a keeper. Amazingly, he grew older and turned into the proverbial black swan.

“What happened to you?” I blurted out. He smiled and said, “I grew up. You were a fool to give me up!”

He would never have given me a shot like that when he was younger. His new nerve turned me on. He’s single, but didn’t ask me out or anything. I wonder if I should call him. What do you think?

— Intrigued, Tuxedo

Dear Intrigued: He’s still a vulnerable person underneath. Calling him now that he’s matured and has smoothed his feathers out could make you look pretty shallow. Face it! You were bowled over by his grown-up looks, and turned on by his nerve. But, be aware that his shot came from remembering you rejected him.

You’ll note he didn’t make any move to ask you out or ask for your info. If he wants to contact you, he can quickly find a way — but don’t wait up.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I feel like I’ve lost more than two years of my life with this pandemic, and now my young husband’s putting the blame on me for our five-year marriage “going sour.” It’s not my fault.

Last night after supper, I was in front of the computer as usual, just playing a game. My husband picked up my long, messy hair, and said: “My God, when is the last time you washed your hair?”

OK, so it was pretty greasy, but I’m not in the mood for putting on a show for him. I must admit my sex drive is in low gear. I don’t feel sexy, or anything that resembles happy.

I’m dead tired from trying to dodge two years of the virus! It’s too scary to go out anymore. I order everything in, where I’m safe.

I’m just fine working from home. I wash my hair on most Monday mornings for the work week, and I wear clean tops with my sweats hidden under the desk. Who can tell the difference? Apparently, my casual look disgusts my husband.

Now’s he telling me “we” are both not happy in this marriage. Whoa! He can’t speak for me. I may not leave the house anymore, but I can still hold down a good job.

— Not the Problem, Norwood

Dear Not the Problem: You’re not acting or looking like the wife he loved when he made his marriage vows. He may be wondering if he still needs to be tied to the “new” you.

That’s not to say the depression is your fault, but he’s warning you, so don’t brush it off. Being so depressed you don’t leave the house, wash and comb your hair, or wear anything other than grubby clothes is a serious turn-off for a love/sex partner. And the underlying truth is you don’t want sex with him anymore.

You should also know that negativity — constantly seeing the dark side of everything and complaining — is hard to live with. And now, you’ve developed a serious fear of leaving the house, known as agoraphobia.

If you want to save your marriage, start by seeing your physician. Don’t put on a perky show; your doctor can only help if you’re open and honest. Besides possibly prescribing medication, your doctor will have different referral options — like psychologists or psychiatrists — to help you reclaim the different aspects of your life you have lost.

Want to stop the beginning of the end of your young marriage? Start your “coming back to normal” project by saying the words your husband needs to hear: “You’re right, I did become depressed and housebound. It must have been scary for you. Thanks for helping me wake up. Now I’m making a plan to restore myself. Can you help by coming along for some of the outside activities, like walks and bike rides?”

A few tips for gradually re-emerging? Small shops and hairstylists are happy to advise you honestly on the less crowded hours to come by. Also, be aware that many of larger stores are not busy before 9 a.m. and also in the hour or so before closing time in the evenings.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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